DOS31's blog: "IM Here"

I feel sorry for the people who missed growing up during this time. God bless mothers who drugged us! The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?'' I replied: I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me. I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four-letter word. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed. Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

The Whys of Men 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (Because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (They don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (They don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (You need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (Don't know.....it never happened) (C'mon guys, we laugh at your Blonde jokes!) And the personal favorite: 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

90# on your telephone I dialed ' 0 ' and asked the operator who did confirm that this was correct so please pass it on. PASS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW I received a telephone call last evening from an individual identifying himself as an AT&T Service technician (could also be Telus) who was conducting a test on the telephone lines. He stated that to complete the test I should touch nine( 9 ), zero( 0 ), the pound sign ( # ), and then hang up. Luckily, I was suspicious and refused.Upon contacting the telephone company, I was informed that by pushing 90#, you give the requesting individual full access to your telephone line, which enables them to place long distance calls billed to your home phone number. I was further informed that this scam has been originating from many local jails/prisons DO NOT press 90# for ANYONE !! The GTE Security Department requested that I share this information with EVERYONE I KNOW. After checking with Verizon they said it was true, so do not dial 90# for anyone!!!!! PLEASE HIT THAT FORWARD BUTT ON AND PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." And she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too."

It was my first time ever And I'll never forget I'd do it again Without a single regret. The sky was dark The moon was high We were all alone Just she and I. Her hair was soft Her eyes were blue I knew just what She wanted to do. Her skin so soft Her legs so fine I ran my fingers Down her spine. I didn't know how But I tried my best I started by placing My hands on her breast. I remember my fear My fast beating heart But slowly she spread Her legs apart. And when I did it I felt no shame All at once The white stuff came. At last it's finished It's all over now My first time ever At milking a cow...

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?" "No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!" --

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what really matters is whether we win or lose we do it together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Right? Again the little boy nodded. The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother".

1. MONICA LEWINSKI 2. O. J SIMPSON 3 . TED KENNEDY 4. BILL CLINTON WHY YOU ASK? Well, you're going to love this! 1. MONICA IS A HOOKER 2. O. J. IS A SLICER 3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER , AND. 4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing. ************************************************** A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." ************************************************** Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. ************************************************** A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." ************************************************** Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonay." ************************************************** A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." ************************************************** Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. **************************************************

A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter, and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius, and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in Aspen, Colorado and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back!!!