You know...
I hate drama.
I just want to live a calm life surrounded by the few people that matter to me...and be done with it.
But I have this little problem. I'm way too trusting.
I guess that, because I'm an honest person, some part of me always assumes that everyone else is the same way. Maybe I just want to think that...out of some inner desire to find something good in everyone...to find something that redeems the human race.
And I am repeatedly disappointed.
I've had a horrible week. One that's left me exhausted and disheveled and tired of life. I trusted someone that I thought was my friend...and I've been paying a high price for it. I've spent this whole week deflecting the drama that her lies and betrayals have caused...only to end up losing something very important to me because of it.
So let me set the record straight here.
Most of the people on this site have little idea of what goes on in my real life. You don't hear the ins and out of my personal triumphs and losses. You don't hear the intimate details of my friendships and relationships. You only see what I choose to show you. You don't know ME.
And I like it that way. I can flirt, joke around, be a bitch, show whatever aspect of myself I choose to here...and not have to open myself up to scrutiny.
Yet...for some reason, this makes people want to scrutinize me even more.
The person who did the damage to me this week wasn't just an online friend. She was a real life friend. But we didn't start out that way. We started out as enemies. Only over the course of the past year or so has that changed. And I wish to hell it hadn't. Because I'm starting to think that maybe this was her vengeance for something that happened back then. This was her way of making me pay for something that I didn't even know she held a grudge for. That time when she and I were on opposite sides of the fence was another life for me...one I'd gladly have forgotten.
I made the move to Arizona because of a job and because I needed a change and I'd loved it here when I visited. But I would have never made the move if I hadn't had friends here. Now...I've told one of those friends to fuck off...and another has turned against me because of the drama that I somehow became surrounded with in all of this.
Funny. I'm a person who detests "drama"...yet I'm always ending up having to deal with it.
Well...from now on, I'm not dealing with it anymore. If Nyssa wants to scream her lies from the top of the mountain behind the local Wal-Mart, I don't give a shit. If she wants to tell the whole world that I said things that I never did say...if she wants to twist the words I did speak to make me look like a shitty person...if she wants to try to fucking make the people I care for the most hate me...she can go the fuck ahead.
Because, if her actions make someone not want to associate with me any further...that's their loss. That's their stupidity. That's them...not trusting in me.
I've cried enough tears this week and dealt with enough arguments. I've tried to fix everything that she broke with her bullshit...pick up all the pieces and put them back together. But now I've run out of patience. I've run out of tears. I've run out of trust. And I've run out of glue.
Stick a fucking fork in me. I'm done.
And to you, sir.
It may have been easier to hit the delete button instead of dealing with it. I understand that. After all of the time we've spent talking...and flirting...and hanging out...and being friends, I kind of expected a bit more. Even from an asshole like you.
I tried to keep her drama bullshit away from you. I'm sorry I didn't succeed. It was a difficult task, considering she brought your name into it...and just wouldn't let it go.
If you choose not to talk to me anymore because of it, you will be greatly missed. Because you are still, as I've always said, my favorite.
But I'm paying for a mistake that I made. The mistake of trusting her. The mistake of adding her to my small circle of real friends.
I was such a fucking fool. And, I swear, it will never happen again. Because I won't let it. Ever.
