Ummm….
Hmmmm…..
I’m not real sure how I feel about what I think I’ve just discovered.
So check it.....
I’m staying in a midtown neighboorhood called cooper young.... here in MemphriKKKa and the apartment they’ve hooked me up with is the bombingess shit ever.
My spot is a two story Victorian loftlike House converted into apartment units by my Jewish landlord — yes muhfuckas… a two.story.loft.like home — with an office (really a bed room , but I live alone) ,a living room, full kitchen, a big assed room connecting the kitchen with a ceiling to floor bookshelf/china cabinet thingy, a bedroom, and a full bath.
I truly feel like a big balla up in this bitch......especially since Im too broke to afford the shits.....
I’m in a decent part of town......a part where I don’t have to worry about your uncles and cousins n nem.....shootin shit up as soon as it gets dark!
I’ve seen a few of my neighbors since I’ve arrived — one looks like a senior military guy...... there is a interracial couple (white chick and a mexicant)....... a pregnant ex Platinum Skrippa.......The assistant Manager of Big Foot Lodge downtown...... and another is some stank ass Black woman who lives beside me.
“How you gon’ call her stank Kav??
That’s your people!
You Black-ass-racist-against-Black-folks muhfucka you!!”
Hey hey hey!!........No need to call names!!......... I’m just sayin!!
She is stank as fuck because within three hours after I’d moved in and my boy came over that I haven’t seen in 3 years, this stank ass, Black ass heffa callin the landlord on me!!!
Tombout “they makin too much noise nekst doe!” WTF???
I can’t help it that the floors crack like your arthritic-ass, corn-infested big toes!!
I can’t help it that you hear me and my boy laughin at 7pm while your fat ass is eating neckbone and butter pecan surprise in your seemingly never-ending effort to add ten pounds to an already overweight ghetto ass....... big ass titties......flat ass ass frame!!
And no hoe!....... Flat ass ass is not a typo!!
Your flat ass ass is surely a flat ass ass!
You see, the first “ass” serves as an amplifying adjective that increases the magnitude of the preceding adjective — in this instance, “flat.”
Such as your “big ass head” — which means, your head is not only large, but muhfuckin humongous — or your “stank ass feet” — which means your feet not only stink, but they smell like toe jam chicken in an ear wax cream sauce.
See how that works?
Therefore, saying you have a flat ass ass means that not only is your ass flatter than a tire with a nail in it or a Sprite left out overnight.........but it’s super-duper-flat like Tom’s face after Jerry hits his ass with a frying pan.
That lesson in ghetto grammar was brought to you courtesy of Just For Me! styling gel and Your Mamma’s Pantyhose, the latest in doorag technology and apparel.
I’ll put it on your tab….
So ANYWAY… as I was sayin before that fat bitch’s stomach interrupted my thoughts….
I’ve seen most of my neighbors a few times or more....
And then I saw another new one today, and my mouth dropped.
Being the inquring muhfucka that I am … aka nosey like Pinocchio at a taping of Blossom …. when I heard the people in the room beside me standing by the door talking, I went to see what they were talking about.
YES!! Kav Boogie had his ear all up on the fuckin door listenin to some shit that ain’t none of his business!
See i dont fuck with too many peeps these days.....and some pizz delivery dude got his cap peeled around here right before I moved in a year and a half ago....which totally nullifies the fact that I said in the opening paragraph about my neighborhood being safe....
but being that in a year and a half....Ive been banned from Liquid Lounge, Dish, and The Happy Mexican Restaurant....not to mention all of the hipsters, ghey people, and bar skanks that Ive pissed off by bing me (*cough*jackass*cough*)....I just gotta watch my back these days.....from all the vengeful sluts, bar-skanks, coke users, and dirty grungy midtown peeps that Ive managed to piss off....
but anyways.....
I’m sayin’ like....... whoever stayin over there in that new apartment.... the voices were in front of is doing SOMETHING!
Everyday they have the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door!
like its the no tell motel or sum shyt....
SOMETHING is going on ’round that bitch and I gotsta know!
Anyway, it sounded like a Black dude and a white dude talking about some — and I quote — “hoes,” that were supposed to come through later on “’cause they got that chedda’ for me.”
WORD???
Did somebody say “hoes??” ?!?!?!?
When is the party ….. and how much is the cover?
Shiiiiiittttt, how can I be down???
Shiiiittttt….. I like cheese too!!!!
So then, dude that was talking started walking down the steps to his car. So I then did what any sensible, nosey ass person would do… I ran to the window to see what he looked like!! LOL
And what I saw shocked.the.shit.out.of.me.
He was a 100%…
bonafide…
pimp.
No doubt in my muthafuckin mind.
He had on a black suit with gold pinstripes.
And not just any suit…. but one of those suites like Steve Harvey wears… you know… the ones with the fuckin jacket longer than a teenage girl’s Esleep pajama shirt!!!
AND…. dude had on a gold shirt to match the pinstripes with a black SEQUINED tie.
Yes heffas… dude’s tie had SEQUINS… SEQUINS!!!
Just like your country ass prom dress!!
“So what Kav??
Maybe he was just sharp!..... Or from Norf Memphis, Bing Hampton, Baltimore or Detroit or some other ghetto ass city!!”
Perhaps….
But he had a cane…. and a limp.
…… and a fedora.
It was black.
With a gold fuckin’ feather.
Told ya......... Told ya he was a pimp.
“Ok. So??? .......So what??....... A pimp in the apartment next to you.....in Midtown by the fairgrounds (near Orange Mound) Big fuckin deal!”
And ummm…. he was white. Caucasian. Crackafied.
DAYUM!!!
You wanna talk about a nigga’s mouth doing some serious droppage like it’s hottage!!!
DUDE! He looked like Mr. Whitefolks!!!
And if you don’t know who that is… then I’m gonna need you to watch a little more HBO and/or rent any movie from Blockbuster with “pimp” in the title.
Some people claim they saw Bigfoot.
Some claim to have seen unicorns and mermaids.
Some claim that aliens abducted them and probed their ass with some warm steel!!
Hint for those people: They weren’t aliens....... And that wasnt steel....... And getting drunk with some dudes who frequent a club called DISH/Backstreet/The Pumping Station doesn’t count as abduction.
I think you see what I’m getting at.
Anyway, I have all their fairytale-tellin asses beat….
I saw a white pimp....... With a limp......... Driving an old ass white Cadillac ….. with Daytons.
*I swear I wish I was making this up*
And he said, “they got that chedda’ for me.”
I am so jealous......
While I sit around alone in this lonely ass apartment and watch Monday Night Football and drink European beer after cooking some punk ass meal that incorporates a garlic cream sauce, a white pimp is gonna have a gang of hoes next door eating chicken, suckin dicks, and smokin weed.
I never thought I’d see the day when I was out-black’d by a white dude.
That day has come....
I think I just heard a woman squeal from next door…. they’ve arrived?
There are HOES next door!!!
And where there are hoes, there is ALWAYS fun!!!
…. And I’m on a laptop….
…..blogging.
This is not the hotness…. at all.
