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JJ's blog: "I hate blogging"

created on 10/05/2006  |  http://fubar.com/i-hate-blogging/b10746

So not that any one pays attention, I haven't writen in a blog in over a year. I use to write whatever came to mind and my best friend and at the time boyfriend (dick head we shall call him) would comment because well that is a part of their job titles. Well now that I am lacking in the best friend department (lets say time has not treated us so kind) and I am married (lets not go there) I have no one to write to. So I am free and clear and can say whatever I want, right? Glad you agree (if not, well you dont matter) So recently I have been talking to some people (all names have been changed for the sake of my sanity) and things are getting more intense then originally expected. Yes I am married, yes I am happily married, no I am not satisified, does that make me a bad person? (if you answered yes well I dont disagree) Any way, so first there is, lets call him Happy, he makes me well very happy but I dont know how long that will last. Being that I am married makes me chalk full of drama. I have to cancel plans at the last minute and this doesnt make him very, well Happy. I told him it wasnt going to work between us because I feel guilty about what is going on. I cant keep lying to my husband, but I dont want to hurt Happy either. I tried to explain that he deserves better then what I can offer and he basically said he didnt want anything else. He is happy with the way things are going, except that I cancel. I tried to tell him he should be someone's number 1 instead of having to be my number 2. Not to mention that things went from 0 to 60 on the relationship scale in like 3.4 seconds, we are trying to be friends now. It is really hard though. I see his name come up on my text messages and all I get is a hi hope you have a great day, where as before we would talk non stop all the time. Am I being foolish? (again if you said yes i dont disagree) I know I cant have my cake and eat it to, but it is wrong for wanting to feel wanted? My husband doesnt pay attention to me and when he does it is because I havent said more then hello and good night to him in over a week. I know, why did you get married? Well I have married for 3 months, I love my husband. He use to make me feel so special like if he didnt talk to me then he had no reason to talk to anyone. i was his everything and vice versa. Now we live down the street from his best friend and they are together ALL the time. I have no friends over in this area and the friends that I did have well grew up and got lives of their own to live. I guess I miss feeling needed. No one needs me now so I am searching and even if i do find it I cant have it because I wont leave my husband for personal reasons.

Then there is ...Sweetie, for all intents and purposes. He is in fact just that, he is so sweet and i like him a lot but yet again even if things went anywhere it wouldnt last very long due in part to A my conscience and B that it isnt fair to him. Again I cant go see these people at the drop of a dime, i have to get the courage to lie to my husband, make it seem plausible, and then plan it just right. BUT he is farther away and it would not be like I could even see him every weekend. If we were lucky it would be once a month. ARG I dont know I think I should just wallow in my miserable Ok so I have already said to much, I just hope all parties involved understand that this is not the easiet thing in the world for me either. 

This is a new year its time for a new me. I know people say this all the time, but after the day I had I think it is for the best. I dont know why I keep coming back to this site. It really is nothing but a place for drama. I met someone on here, fell for them (which was stupid on my part I will admit) met up with them and well ya ya know. So the whole time me and him were talking he says to me "I am not the kind of guy to say I love you just to sleep with." Well thats kinda funny. After we slept together he stopped talking to me. So I am a little confused. Is it that you dont say it to sleep with girls more than once, or is it you dont say that to sleep with girls ever. I think when people make statements like that it is just proving the opposite. They really are all like that. Now I will take the blame on being a stupid girl who talked to someone online and thought something real could come of it. That I will take full responsibility for. I guess this time I just thought it was going to be different, but something that I am starting to figure out is that if you go at something the same way you cant expect different results. No offense to my guy friends because some of you (mostly those that are gay) are not like that. You really can become friends with a person and have a real friendship but I am finally realizing that all this site is here for is for women to show naked pics of themselves and for men to find stupid desperate woman to sleep with. I think I am over this.

I am a jumble of emotions right now. I am nervous, excited, sad, happy, and madly head of heels in love. In just 5 days I will be in the arms of the man I love, hence the excited and happy part. But at the same time I am super nervous. One of my greatest fears is that I am going to get off the plane and see him walking away. We have talked about this and he says it wont happen, but I am a girl I panic over nothing. Have you ever wanted something so bad that it scares you when it actually comes together? He is going threw such a funky time right now, and all I wanna do is be there to hold him and tell him that its going to be ok. To calm him with a kiss and to say I love you to make it all better. But being in the situation I am in now I cant do anything for another week. He deserves so much and I want to be able to give him everything I can, and I hope I can, but what if I cant? What if I dont live up to his expectations? Any of you that actually talk to me on a regular basis knows, that I love him, and I hope they know that he loves me too. All I wanna do right now is be with him. I will keep yall updated and I am going to have lots of pictures for yall when I get back. I Love my Gooberface!!
So vegas right? Yea I am going to vegas hopefully hear in about 3 weeks. I say hopefully because everytime I take a step closer something happens to take 2 steps back. I finally decided that no matter what friends or alone I was going. Then my boyfriend says he doesnt want me to come alone. I find tickets for really cheap. None of my friends can get the time off. My best friend decides that he can get the week off. I still havent gotten my income tax check (the money I am planing to use for this trip) so I cant buy my ticket which inturn is making it more and more expensive longer I wait. What originally started out as a $300 8 day trip has now turned into a $400 5 day trip. Now my boyfriend is second guessing if I should come out, and my best friend is telling me that he doesnt know if he can get the money. WHY ME!!! I am not a fan of fate today. Lady Luck is a bitch and she is not on my side! If yall know of a cheap way to get to vegas and a hotel for 5 or 4 nights PLEASE let me know, and if you work for the IRS PLEASE PLEASE send me my money bitches! Other then that I am having a memorial day party in clearwater, so if you have my number and live around her use it, i will give you directions its BYOB and no one is showing up till about 8pm or so. Alright I am of to whore it out on the corner to come up with some quick cash to get to my man!
umm forgive me if I ramble but I am pretty much half asleep now. I have been working like crazy so to save money and what not for my vacation time in june. I am really excited because I am going to go to Vegas to see my boyfriend. Not only that but its a celebration of growing up. I have never gone on a vacation with out my family. I am so excited not to mention that I have never been more serious, madly crazy head over heels in love with someone, who completely understands me and gets me as I am with this man. I am just so excited. I have been looking at plane tickets and trying to see if a friend or 2 wants to go, because after all what is vegas without friends? I am up for 2 raises at work which I am over due for and I am hoping that in july after I become certified I will get a promotion. All is right in the world of Jenn. I can finally say with certinty that I am happy.
I was sent this link for a blog and as I read it I wanted to cry. I dont have the financial means to help them, so I thought I could do the next best thing and thats spreading the word so that maybe someone in better situation could help. Here is the link please just read it if nothing else. http://www.cherrytap.com/blog/76110# Thank you so much
My heart may not be considered a worth while prize, with its duct tape and glue holding parts of it together. But someone came into my life and totally blew me away. I wasnt expecting him, not at this time, not in this situation, all I know is here he is, the greatest thing to have happened to me. I care about him very much. I know he cares about me too. He calls me beautiful, and calls me baby. Granted these are just words but they are better then being told you are sexy or hot all the time. I want to know that I am a beautiful person inside and out. I think he sees that side of me. He is sweet, smart, a great listner, caring, interesting, and most importantly funny. We have so much in common that it freaks us out. I have never met anyone like him. I am not revealing who he is at this time because we have both decided it best not for our privacy, but he knows who he is. I listen to his song over and over. I think about him all day long. When my cell rings and I hear his song I smile and no matter what has happened that day its all going to better because I know I am going to talk to him. I dont know how we found each other or why, but I thank god for it everyday. I hope you know how special you are to me and know how much you mean to me.
So today was the day from hell. We were robbed at my work today. An older man walked up to the counter and said to the pharmacist "Dont say anything." He put a note on the counter that said, "I have a gun. Dont say anything or push an alarms, give me all of your oxycontins." So the pharmacist doing what she could to keep us all safe, told us to go to the back of the store while she opened the safe. She grabbed 4 bottles and gave them to him and once he was out the door called the cops and the store manager. Besides almost pissing myself, and almost having a panic attack we are all ok and only what we gave him was taken. Now this may not be big to some of you but in my small town this is like earth shattering. I blame it mostly on my mother for loving to gossip but by time she came to check on me, my brother, dad, and my 3 closest friends had all called me to make sure I was ok. We finished out the night filling out police reports and cleaning up from the mess they made.
"Fall To Pieces" I look away Then I look back at you You try to say The things that you can't undo If I had my way I'd never get over you Today's the day I pray that we make it through Make it through the fall Make it through it all [Chorus:] And I don't wanna fall to pieces I just want to sit and stare at you I don't want to talk about it And I don't want a conversation I just want to cry in front of you I don't want to talk about it Cuz I'm in Love With you You're the only one, I'd be with till the end When I come undone You bring me back again Back under the star Back into your arms [Chorus] I was working on a story that I have been writing for about 2 years now, and I have my music on and this song came on. I dont know why I thought I wanted to make this a blog but I did, oh well. I have decided that I need to start finishing things that I have started. So I found 2 of my old stories (of course only about a chapter done a piece) and I am digging deep for inspiration.
Who would have thunk it right. I am having a fandidlytastic day. I met some really great ppl last night. Siren if you read this you are a kick ass chick who is as cold as me LOL. Zooks you are my hero you dont even know. Just remember me you Mike Myers LOL. I am so glad to meet people that I are like me, we have a stupid sense of humor and we are here to enjoy ourselves. SO to those of you that I didnt mention just know you kick ass too LOL.
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