dez's blog: "hi lovelies!"

After tears, talking, thinking, I've come to realize, don't hold on to hope, hope is bullshit. when you're down and out, and everything sucks, you try to hold on to, the one good thing going. But then it breaks. and crumbles away like everything else in my life. without notice, without explination. without anything to deal. Sobriety sucks, no more prescription relief, no alcohol to drink, no razors to cut. I want so badly to bleed It's been over a year. I want to get rid of this pain. I just want to feel. I'm hated by all, Ive lost all my friends, the only two things that are here are my notebook and pen. I write down my feelings, but they always seem fake. Like "I Love my Life!" When its life I can't take. I want to be whole, I want to be happy again... but all hope is lost, fuck it all. I'll lie here in bed, burn down a cigarette, lay down my head, and dream those dreams, wasted away thoughts, wasted away words, people think they understand, yet they never do. they've never cried the tears I cried, they don't have the scars, they don't have the flashbacks, to me its all surreal, this life is fake, like most people I know. So don't pretend you're real, cause I don't have time for you.

well after sleeping like 14 hrous i dont feel as upset about things as i did, but i still feel like shit. I dont know why i just get like this sometimes, its like when things come to a good point i do my best to fuck it up, but you know thats just dez. oh well. gonna go lay back down, maybe just sleep the rest of today away.

So my day has crashed and burned. I dont know. I just feel really sad and alone. really alone. more alone than I have felt in a while. and I just think that I am tricking myself. tricking myself into thinking that things are good, or what I want to be good is better than what it is. but who I am kidding?

I always had the weirdest dreams, and sometimes they make me think. I dont know why I dream about some of the shit I do, but some also give me insight about things that I never have in the waking world....like a certain phrase or a certain person, and I wake up feeling less puzzled about something than I did before....sometimes though, my dreams are just off the freaking wall and crazy. (kinda like me!) but oh well. Im gonna lay back down....love. I wrote alot of new material today, I dont know if I wanna post it or not....lemme know what you think..

i feel at peace right now. Unsure of things I want to happen, but I feel pretty at peace with myself. I might even dare to say happy. I have so many new people in my life to thank for that. Especially since all this shit went down, i found out who some of the true people in my life are. And ya know what, it was a pleasent suprise. I just hope the good things keep coming because I am lovin it right now. I cannot wait for easter! I love seeing my crazy as fuck family. but what's even better is ONE WEEK TIL MY BIRTHDAY!!!! WOOOO! All I have to say is, you better get me something good! (Those of you I'm talking to, you know what I want =P ) Oh well, im gonna lay down for a nap now.

She lays there in the dark, singing songs that make her cry. smoking cigarettes, burning them down one at a time. She feels so guilty, she feels so alone... Sometimes she wishes this life weren't her own. Looking in the mirror, she can't recognize her face, the clock is ticking, shes losing the race, of time, you see, and getting ahead. times like these she wishes she was dead. Slicing her wrists, she likes to bleed, it comforts her in her time of need. How much more of this? Has she gone too far? She's lost now in her emotional scars. She's living her life dead, not open anymore, not that fun loving life, everyone adored. She can't take the pain, you can see it in her face, but one simple moment, can change all things. *written by Desiré (me!) in October 03*

mind is racing knees are weak anxiety again i cannot speak chest is tight i will not cry cold tile floor laying wishing praying this would all just end

a child lost a lifetime of pain those times of sorrow using the blade that time is behind me yet the scars still show i sometimes feel theres no place thats home i need to be held told its all okay i know its not im still so ashamed of the person i am and who i will be my past haunts me like that record that plays over and over i cant take back those mistakes im a little girl no more my innocence is gone

1) The OFFICE. Yes yes yes. I cannot survive and wtf is the hiatus about. I CANNOT wait til April 5th... I am so obsessed with it. I mean JIM HALPERT = My future husband! and Jim and Pam are MENT TO BE! TEAM PAM FO LIFE YO! 2) Stevemadden.com you can create your own shoe and thats HOT. 3) No One Would Riot For Less by Bright Eyes. Conor is going back to his roots and I LOVE IT. I just was so unhappy with Im Wide Awake...Cause I had heard everything live for years now... and I loved Digital Ash...though no one else did, but Conor is back in full force!!! Plus come on.... these lyrics... ...Little soldier, little insect You know war, it has no heart It will kill you in the sunshine Or just as happily in the dark Well, kindness is a card game Or a bent-up cigarette In the trenches, in the hard rain With the bullet and the bit He says help me out Hell is coming Just kiss my mouth Hell is here... 4) Ask a gay guy on Youtube. YES. William Sledd makes my die hysterically. And he's adorable with the most beautiful hair ever. Watch it in my stash for real! 5) CherryRock Lounge and www.cherryrock.net IT NEVER DISAPPOINTS!!!!!!!!!!!! I love all my people! ok thats it for now

Any takers?