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dez's blog: "hi lovelies!"

created on 01/13/2007  |  http://fubar.com/hi-lovelies/b43893

So i calmed down

Ahhhhhhh listening to the Good Life always makes me put things in perspective. I havent slept but two hours since I woke up yesterday morning. ok afternoon, what day is it again?! I don't even know anymore. I just am cranky and I cried a little, but it's gonna be ok. Damn, I was being a little drama filled....but it's all good. I am just frustrated that things arent working out in my favor no matter how hard I am trying. But, Tomorrow is another day if I ever fall the fuck asleep and I think I am going to be up all night..... For all you guys that have been here for me, i fucking love you so much words cannot describe So Now I am leaving you with my "dance with Andi in Columbus to the Good Life" song! Friction nightclubs, nightstalkers fast women, fast talkers loose lips, loose limbs the lovely loveless sunset to sunrise black dresses, black eyes tangles of tangos hot hands, hot thighs why can I never get you? theres a sea of bodies between us. I recall the first time i saw you - not a dance hall - but a crowded bus. pressed against the scent of stale sweat - friction! vampires and witches steal bloody red kisses in go-go boots, itailin suits; they always dress to kill. they spin their umbrellas, they dance a tarantella.. but im not here for them I only come here to watch you. I want to make your acquaintance, to escort - to be a gentleman. I want to rub up against you.. like those scoundrels - like those wolves do. they run in packs - in saabs and SUVS. oh, these pounding dance clubs. this friction between us. how you throw your body, its so moving.. but never toward me. still, I always seem to read between the beat.

fuck everyone

im so fucking sick and tired of everyone but like 5 people. just fucking fall off. im done with this shit, if you have my phone number which would prolly be the 5 people that im not sick and tired of right now.....you know where to find me.

Sooooo....

Its 7 am and I still havent been to bed....typical desiré... just kinda whishin i was someplace good... but anyway. Im listening to some desaparecidos trying to locate Mary Anns missing paycheck.... it is NO WHERE to be found and i can't think anymore. maybe I will lay down and get some rest, i dont fucking know.

So ummmm i needa job

ANYONEEEEEEEE WHO KNOWS OF ANY JOB IN THE CINCINNATI ARE AND CAN HOOK ME UP WILL BE MY BEST FRIEND FOR LIFE! i need money to go see my peeps in philly!!!!!
I'm too scared to notice, the path I chose is focused tight. Corsshairs on, something's wrong I shouldn't try to try. And baby it's the beer that's smiling, it ain't me. Point me at the door 'cause I've been trying to leave. Basement passions, schoolgirl action ain't in fashion now, I'll miss you when you're gone so just get out. Tripped into a hole I dug every word, with my ear to the ground I loved what I heard, and I couldn't think of leaving while you're feeling down, I just rest my eyes and you blow town. Tripped into a hole I loved what I heard, with my ear to the ground I dug every word, and I couldn't think of leaving while you're feeling down, I just rest my eyes and you float down.

ya know what

Fuck your name Fuck your face Fuck it all I hope someday People can like stand up and be a fuckin person and just not be a fucking pussy Jesus I would just like to spit on a few people right now. I hope yall just FALL OFF.
Girl, I know the hall looks dark & the storm it seems so scary Your face lit up on beats of lightning you start, you start running & your eyes are like screaming & since there is no end and no beginning You will run You will run You will run Girl, I know the woods look dark & the trees they seem so deadly The girls around you are so frightened & you start, you start to panic and your courage starts to vanish & the world, it really is on fire & it burns & it burns & it burns & it burns Vivian, your life is told through 19 thousand pages in a world too unreal to behold Your innocence has faded Faded all your blues to gray Your skin has bruised through moving days Glue is peeling back away Curling, cracking, painted Girl youve been rolled up in colorful carpets Your blood is rushing, look around you you're froze, you're frozen quiet & your eyes, they are widened Room unfurnished, no light for nightfall just rugs for rolling you up you know you can't get up when you do, you swear you will run You will run You will run You will run No one will ever save you If no one can ever find you No one will ever save you If no one can ever find you Lost girls Lost girls Lost girls Lost girls no one will ever save you if no one can ever find you no one will ever save you if no one can ever find you lost girls, lost girls, lost girls, lost girls

I LOVE THIS SONG.

When you said you loved me, did you really love me or did the words just spill out like drool on my pillow. ‘Cause I was naked when you said those words, but I felt covered in your whispered worship. And as you passed out fast on my shoulder, I imagined a child waiting so sad and still for his mom to arrive. Did she leave you an orphan, in that big, brown leather chair? Said, “ Don’t you move a muscle, kid, I’ll be back in twenty years, You were scared, you were lonely, but you must’ve been aware; life is a series of calluses, this is just another layer. So, build’em up, tough it out, yeah, that’s your skin – don’t let anyone under there. When you said you needed me, did you really need me or was it just someone – oh, you’d take anything. Am I first on that list of yours, or am I second, or third? So, who’s that ahead of me, some harlot from Pittsburgh? Or Detroit, Santa Fe, or San Diego? I know you’re so alone, but how much affection does one guy really need? Did you date a lot in high school? Were you always chasing girls? Couldn’t you find some young valentine to steal your heart for good? Were you content, or contemptible? Are your memories pleasant, or is it a string of endless flings of bitter resentment. Seems that what you want and what you need doesn’t mean a thing, we’re just here for the taking. When you said you’d hurt me, did you think you hurt me? Are you really that cocky? Oh, what a heartbreaker! Well, I’ve got my armor – yeah, I’ve been through some battles before – and I met your old girlfriend, she said, “Baby, don’t bother." She told me you told her you’d hurt her….funny, how familiar. So, how much of this relationship was rehearsed? Did you act out as a child? Were you always crying wolf? Attention-starved, you tried too hard to get someone to look. Now you’re the wolf in second-hand clothing; I’m the sheep in a pleated skirt. It’s an awkward form of payback, but if it works for you – it works. It’s that I recognize your off-white lies, still, I lie beside you – and that’s what really hurts. When you said you’d leave me…well, why haven’t you left me? What are we still doing here, so desperate for company? There’s a greyhound on Jackson Street, there’s an airport in Council Bluffs…hell, there’s a car in the driveway – fifty ways to get lost. But as I hold you and listen to you sleeping, I’m starting to wonder if you really believe that you’d ever really leave. Would you leave me, and orphan, in that big, brown leather chair? The one you’ve lugged around from town to town for all these years. It’s the trophy of your childhood, like a shark’s tooth or gator skin boots – but this one holds you prisoner – it holds me prisoner too. What we need to set us free is to let go of each other – let go of everything. When I said I loved you, it was because I loved you. When I said I needed you, well, I really need you. Yeah, I guess you hurt me, for once you’re a man of your words. Well, guess what – I’m leaving – I can’t be your prisoner. I won’t. The Good Life Inmates Lyrics

Am I serious????

God is there something wrong with me? Am I really just supposed to get used to the tightness in my chest, the impulsive urges to hurt myself or others, WHY do i just get things halfway ok then fuck them up??? I don't get it. Why do I have to live in fear of seeing people? Why do I have to relive things in my head everyday just because I can't get over it? I am about to spill my guts to a fucking public blog and just say fuck it. but im gonna save myself and not do that.

THANK YOU!

Thank you guys for all the early b-day wishes and gifts! you guys are the fucking best!!! Lots of love and a shot of tequila coming at midnight! DeZ!
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