Wow...!!!
Life has a funny way of knocking you down at the very moment that you feel like you are on top of the world...
Over the last month I have truly realized that I'm really not on top of anything right now... Ive realized that I have definitely come far, but at the very same time, I'm still gullible and nieve. Nieve in believing and trusting in people and life more than what I should. I have this picture perfect/happy ending in my mind that I just seem to focus on....like everything will work itself out in the end... dumb right?
Tell me about it...
I live in the past too much...I love too much and I hurt too much.... I'm at fault in this too....At fault for knowing beforehand and yet still going forward with something that I knew would end again anyways... Going forward because I was in love with the past and what I thought things could and would be if I would just give it another chance...
It's one thing to make a mistake once...but to make a mistake over and over is a serious problem.. Ive reopened those wounds so many times that Im just scarred now. Now, its hard to quit looking at those scars. Looking at them makes me wonder how they got there even though I already know...(at least partially)
Have you ever believed in someone so much that you just let them walk all over you?
Its not a good feeling....ecspecially when they play you like a nintendo...
I'm not one to bitch and moan about things...but when I feel like my heart and soul have been violated...I can't help but to get angry...
It's 2:30 a.m. and I just got home from the bar with my boys... I truly don't know what is worse...either being home and just thinking about things or going out and still thinking about things while drinking....
After all..alcohol is a depressant...haha
Anyways... The last thing that I want to do is to be a dickhead... but anyone in my situation would feel the same exact way...
Sometimes...the best thing to do...is just VENT! So this is me...I'm venting...I need it for my sanity and piece of mind...deal with it or hit your browser's back button.....
I have put my heart out on the line again in a span of 2 years and once again here I am... I feel like Ive been walking in a damned circle for the last two years.
The funny part is....at first I wasnt even anywhere near believing or being serious about the situation, but after seeing a different person emerge, I started to string my heart out there...
I know that for most of you, you havent the slightest idea as to what I'm even talking about..but thats ok... if you have read this far then you know what I'm going through...at least to an extent..
"I believed in you more than what you could ever know... and you didnt deserve it. And, as sad as it is, I can't help but still feel like a part of me believes in you! Why? I wish I knew... But here I am...hypnotized by every word that you feed to me, believing in you when you have done absolutely nothing to earn it... I would have done anything in the world for you...anything at all..." byotch!
Maybe I have a completely defective reality of what the definition of love is, but love to me doesnt just turn on and off like a light switch.
Change is inevitable...People grow...People change...That is a part of life...
However, when you truly love someone... it doesnt just disappear overnight..
This isnt a story about how sad I am, even though I admit that I am hurt. Its a story about how confused and baffled I am...
Baffled in the sense that I dont understand any of this... I dont understand how certain people just can turn off emotions, or play games with people, or put on an act or stael everything ya ever worked for.
It takes one hell of a fucked up person to be able to fake something all while knowing that another person's emotions are involved...while looking right at someone and knowing all along that what you are presenting is a false front...
I'm not sorry...I'm not perfect...It's impossible..but I know, that the one thing that I will never...could never...or ever have been...is fake with anyone... and yes...I am damned proud of it...
I am me...
If you dont like it... then don't waste my time...
When I give of myself..I give a 100%....100% to friends...to my women...to my family....
If I give a piece of myself and my heart to you...know that you are getting the full package...
What I need the most in my life right now, is to learn to determine the true love from the false love...and thats what I plan to work on...
You don't know what you gave up...and you probably won't ever truly realize it..but that's o.k. too! I know that my fate didnt rest with you...There are bigger and better things in my future...someone who deserves to be in my future... and someone who is going to give of themselves in the same way that I do for them...
And that is something that I look forward to.....
Anyways...
Here I am, its now 2:30 a.m and I feel a lot better...I'm not 100%, but I'm better...
I know that I have been blessed with more than most... and for that...I am truly and forever grateful...
I have wonderful friends..
An amazing family...
and my dog who is my baby haha...
I have my health, sanity, and piece of mind...
I know that while I'm not perfect...I do my best to make the most out of life, out of relationships and out of myself...
That is more than enough for me..
I don't want or need for anything..
Not many can say that...
While I can't place blame on anyone but myself for my shortcomings or for allowing someone to hurt me..I can learn from them and start down different paths...
So now here I am...Here's to a new beginning...
