Hair Removal...
All methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless, removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home, fix dinner, helped the kids with homework. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So, I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom.
It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your leg, (or wherever else), and hair comes right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm no girly, girl but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out.
YA THINK?!?!?!!!!
So, I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my ass, (Oh how this phrase haunts me!).
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight, and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extrodinaire.
After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. With my next wax strip, I moved north. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my coochie, and stretching down to the inside of my ass cheek,(Yes, it was a long strip).
I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'M BLIND.... BLINDED FROM PAIN!!!!....Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. SHIT!!! Another deep breath and, RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums???
OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that has caused me so much pain. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip, but there is no hair on it. Where is the wax???
Slowly, I eased my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair..The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax . SHIT!!
I peel my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and then make the next big mistake. Remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet.
I know I need to move to do something. So, I put my foot down and then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Coochie? Sealed shut. Ass? Sealed shut.
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "I hope I don't get the urge to Shit. My head may pop off".
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now the only thing worse than having your business glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub in scalding hot water; which by the way doesn't melt the cold wax.
So. now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!
I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my ass and cooch are stuck to the bottom of the tub!"
She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where is the wax on the ass. "Are we talking cheeks, or hole, or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.
I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH Right!! I could be the joke of some one elses night.
While we go through various solutions. I result in scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!
I then find the most beautiful saving grace.... that is the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. I rub some and scream, "It works!! It works!!
I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my dismay...The hair is still there...all of it. So, I shaved the shit off. Hell, I'm numb at this point. Then, I put the wax back in the medicine cabinet. I may have a mustache that needs work someday...
Next week I'm going to try hair color.......
