asidwolf's blog: "Grimkaleidoscope"

I want a kid. I can't believe I'm writing this here, but I am. I've always known I'd want kids sometime but I guess it's become clear. I want a kid. Now, I'm not gonna go nuts on this right now because, well...I'm single. I'm not one of those people who'll be with someone just to have a kid, not one to have a kid to patch things up or to solidify a relationship, so... No kid for now. I sometimes feel as though I should be grateful. I'm sure some guys my age (32, not quite the old man yet...LOL!)would kill to still be uncommitted, still free to do what I want, when I want and not have to report to anyone. But still... To quote Malcolm Reynolds, from Joss Whedon's Firefly, "Could you imagine that? Me with a whole passel of critters underfoot?" Ya know what, Mal? I reckon' I could. This is me... And you're leaving.

So it's been a while...sue me. I've been working on a TV project, but it's not a TV project cause we'd show it on a website, and it would be a creatively different show due to lack of funds. That's when you get to be mondo-creative...when you've got no funds. I don't want to bring it to TV producers because I want 100% creative control of this for a while. I've got a very particular vision, I know exactly what I want and don't want...so...it should be something resembling David Lynch meets Angel meets Grande Ourse (Québec tv series). Should be lots of fun. We might have leads on our robbers from a few weeks back. Some of the stuff has been found in a pawn shop. Fingers are crossed. This is me... And you're leaving.

This blog entry is brought to you by: Second-hand Depot! Books, Movies, Music, Children! If it USED to belong to someone else, it's here! Bears-Colts! I was secretly hoping for this. Not only is this the first time in history that an African-American is in the superbowl, there'll be two, which garantees one of them will win. Sirs Smith and Dungy, best of luck! We've got a locksmith coming today to change the locks on the apartment. That should help the mood. We're doing ok, eveything is shifting back to normal, we just need to feel that we're safe in our place again. I got a quick e-mail from my american ex fiancée. Made me happy as we're still very good friends. Need to call her and talk, it tends to make both of us feel better afterwards. :-) This is me... And you're leaving.

We got robbed. Not my favorite sports team, not my country. Me and my roommates. We got robbed. Someone broke into our house and took to the whole, "Me casa es su casa" like a fish to water. I just got home, it's 4:15 in the morning and I'm trying to figure what they took. My roommate's computer, her boyfriend's guitar, a back pack I had with my Palm Pilot and some clothes in it. They threw the clothes on the floor, kept the Palm. Some Cd's, DVD's. They didn't touch my 'puter, nor my books, none of our board games. I'm trying to see the logic... Grasping at straws really. You know, I'm rather glad they didn't take anything real important of mine. But I feel, in no particular order: violated, scared, sad, confused, angry...They haven't even touched me and I feel like a victim. Not in a heavy kind of way...but I'm kinda nervous about leaving my shit here, y'know? Where's the security? what about the sanctity of one's home? It's gone. They took it with our shit. This is me... And you're leaving.

This entry brought to you by: 411 Pizza! No food. No delivery. Just info on what can top a pizza! ----------------------------------------------- What did they find in Jeffrey Dahmer's freezer? Ben and Jerry. ----------------------------------------------- Pop quiz: What did the little Hispanic kid call Herbie the love bug in one of the most recent movies done about the cute little volkswagen? No, it isn't Ese. Get your minds out of the gutter. Speaking of "in the gutter"... A new frozen delight. Cosby loves to eat this little latin treat! J-Lo Pudding pops! Looks like Jennifer Lopez, tastes like, well, Jennifer Lopez! In the frozen foods section, next to the Daddy Puffs. Now, you would think the coyote would eventually catch that goddamned roadrunner, but nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! I swear the cartoon has already been filmed and when the end of the world comes, that's all you'll see on TV. The coyote catching the bird and making himself dinner. And then we'll roast. A new drinking game for you all. It's called 6 o'clock shots. Watch the news, whenever someone says the word "the", take a shot of whatever alcohol you have on hand. Guaranteed drunken stupor by 6:15. Then you can try a new discipline, headed for the olympics, the vomit throw. Why is it that a lost girl, RUNNING from camp crystal lake will always get caught by a WALKING Jason Voorhees? She could run, get into her car, drive to the airport, get on the concorde, land in Paris and I'm willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that he'll be there, dressed like a chauffeur, holding a sign with her name on it. "Oh, wow....a limo? For me????" Hack, hack, slash, slash. -------------------------------------------------- Take Action! I saw that in a window display today and I laughed my balls off. No one takes action. No one. Everything anybody does is a reaction. Why you ask? Simple. An true action is one which has no cause, no rhyme or reason. So only crazy people are capable of true actions? Wrong, thank you for calling. They are mad. Their actions are a result of their madness, and so... Cycles, cycles, nothing but cycles. And Free Will gets a much needed kick in the balls. Don't confuse this with Fate, that falls in the belief category and we're not dealing with one omnipotent force guiding our way, we're dealing with 7 billion, semi-retarded game-show contestant-types guiding your way. From the girl who asked to see your nuts in grade school to the wrong number who called your roommate twice in a row (thus waking you up)to the 3 year old asian kid who made the reeboks your brother bought on sale, they are your tour guides in the great amusement park called life. Just cause you don't see someone doesn't mean they don't affect your actions, decisions, desires and basic needs. And when enough people, who are reacting themselves, who have never met, all react in a way that eventually ripples down to you, you get a mouvement de masse which seems like inevitability because it comes from all sides. But it isn't. What it IS is worldshaping at it's most basic. You think one person can't change the course of history? Chances are, you already have. And the funny thing is, you'll never know it. This summer, on the Broadway Network in collaboration with the Cartoon Channel and Space: Castle Greyskull has been swallowed by the sea. He-man has lost his voice and cannot sing in CATS. It is now time for a new face, a new voice. From the depths of the sea comes... Ethel Mer-Man! Kicking ass and singing showtunes! This is me. And you're leaving.

A few days back I got hit on by a 15 year old who looked like a 20 year old. She looked like the kind of woman guys drool over. I knew she was 15, cause she told me. That's what made me sad. She had everything I look for in an escort. And she admitted being a cheap drunk. Now I am neither a pedophile nor an abuser of drunken girlies but apparently that's what she thought guys want to hear. She said she was young, had a fuck-me attitude (her words, not mine) and wanted to get a tatoo that says princess. It'll probably read 'Rape Victim' When I left the bar, she was drunk and intent on showing somebody, anybody, that she was ready willing and able. I let the bouncer know where she was so he could get her out of there. I hope she's ok. Bad choice of words. She's not ok. She needs help. I just hope she's getting it (by it I mean help, not IT). It fucks with me, though. This girl has probably seen her share of dick (and pussy). Hell, she might have seen my share, your share, her friend's share...and I don't know about you guys, but I've seen (and done) some mindfuckingly heavy shit. That's when I get scared. Ok, pop quiz! Who here cried when Optimus Prime died in Transformers: The Movie? Who here cried when Ash died in Pokemon: The Movie? Who here saw both movies when they originally came out and cried in both cases? This is me... And you're leaving.

how jedi are you? :: by lawrie malen

Disorder | Rating Paranoid: Low Schizoid: Low Schizotypal: High Antisocial: Low Borderline: Low Histrionic: Low Narcissistic: Moderate Avoidant: Moderate Dependent: Low Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

Alright, it's been a month since I hit 32. Still don't feel any different... I want a suicide girl. Really. Reallyreallyreallyreallyreally. I want a suicide girl really bad. Christ are they hot. So...I was in a relationship not so long ago...LOL! How do I say this...there was no real passion...I was happy with her,she was nice, I cared to the moon about her but fuck me if I could see myself growing old with her. Not her fault. It's not like she'd done anything wrong...although I would have enjoyed a little more initiative on her part...I didn't feel too desired (yes, ladies, we men need that too...)...she told me she loved me, that I was handsome but she never instigated anything. Sometimes I wondered if I stopped wanting to have sex, how long it would last...(it ended up being 4 weeks). This is sad, LOL! I was settling. That is so not good. I want someone passionate. I want a goth girl....heehee...No, that's not just what I want, I'm not that shallow...I want someone who's got imagination regarding everything, who's a culture freak, like me. I was settling. I was becoming a ho-hum adult in my love affairs. Me. I'm scared. I'm supposed to be a Dom. This is not supposed to happen. Honestly. But I liked her. Total mind-fuck. I was taking it a day at a time but knew damn well where it was headed. I don't want to settle. I do not want to become that which I was not meant to become. I need a freak, LOL! What is it Ludacris says in that Usher song? We want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed? Something like that. But I want a freak that reads Beaudelaire or who knows what Jack Tripper's occupation was BEFORE he moved in with Janet and Chrissy.... Who am I kidding, LOL! There's someone I'd like, but she's unavailable...tremendously unavailable. And I'm ok and zen with that. It's just funny when you try to picture the perfect person for you in your mind....funny what it likes to bring up. So I've decided I want a suicide girl. Really. This is me. And you're leaving.

You know, maybe I’m not cut out to be in a relationship. Seems weird, to me at least, but it may just be the truth. Relationships where there is no passionate love, that is. I’ve tried the easy route, the getting-to-know-you route, the let’s-take-this-slow-and-see-where-it-leads-us route. The result is inevitably the same. Nowhere. That road leads me nowhere. I’m a passionate guy and I need a relationship which comes in like a hurricane, levels everything in its’ path and once gone, has left nothing but the world as it was before houses were built and life became complicated. Something which shakes the lives of all who witness it to its’ very foundation. You know what I mean? Does anyone truly know what I mean? Am I weird or is this normal? Sometimes I honestly think I should commit myself. You know, loony-bin and all. I know there are about 15 million people out there who think they don’t fit in anywhere, my thoughts right now are no different from theirs. The pretention is in thinking that you’re alone to feel and to live what you’re feeling and living. I don’t think I’m pretentious. Arrogant at times, but never pretentious. But sometimes it feels like it’s too much. That everyone in this Goddamned world is neck deep in security and has forgotten what it is to truly love someone, others be damned, caution to the wind and all that jazz. I have not forgotten the face of my father…it has blurred from time to time, but in the end, my sight has held true. It just seems like everyone else has fallen. So I wander, and wonder. Does this world spin true? Are there hurricanes I have yet to see, storms without warning, lighning without thunder? Where has love gone and is it so far that mine eyes could not see it were they behind the mightiest looking glass? Perhaps I’m just not made for normal relationships. I don’t know… I’m doing the best I can, honest. I don’t want to settle. I believe in great loves, in fairy tales and fair maidens. I believe that Magic does exist and that happy endings do happen if one sticks to the book till the very last page. I believe in living love, not shelving it because of what’s right or wrong. I believe in giants and tailors and 7 flies in one fell swoop, magic beanstocks, Big Bad Wolves, red hoods and the Grimm reapings of stories past. I believe that monsters do live under beds and in closets, that dimes can derail trains and that the only way back to Kansas is throught the huge city at the end of the yellow brick road, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do! I believe in all these things and in myself . In Pan I trust. Bangarang! This is me. And you’re leaving.