DaddyJAK's blog: "funny things...."

Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so large, his parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls. They cautioned him he could easily kill someone. Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex. He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and nothing bad can happen. He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful sensations, she faints from pure joy. Thinking he's killed her, Johnny runs from the class room sobbing and crying, "Oh my G~d!... I killed her! I killed her!" All at once he stops dead in his tracks, and look of dawning comprehension appears on his face as he says, "Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. She committed suicide!"

A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion. "Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living." The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads: "HOOKER: person who has sex for money." Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door. The hooker reads: "KOALA BEAR: Eats Bushes and Leaves

A guy goes into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey, after downing that one orders another, and another, and other. The puzzled bartender ask him "What are you celebrating?" "I just had my first blow job" The bartender says "Congratulations, heres one on me!" The guy downs that one and says "Thanks! This sure takes the taste out of my mouth!"

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

A PREGNANT SQUAW WALKED UP TO THE CHIEF, RAISE HER HAND AND SAYS "HOW!" THE CHIEF LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS " I KNOW HOW! WHO! ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ****** THE LONE RANGER AND TONTO WERE SURROUNDED BY HUNDREDS OF INDIANS. THE LONG RANGER LOOKS AT TONTO AND SAYS "LOOKS LIKE WE ARE DONE FOR THIS TIME TONTO !" TONTO LOOKS AT THE LONE RANGER AND SAYS "WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ?"

You look really sexy in that..thing you've got on tonight. I like the way your eyes are always open when you read your E-mail. When You type, it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on her keys. You Really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on. If I wasn't a Computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really means! But Alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying Your every command. Yes, mistress! I'll balance your chequebook. Yes, Mistress! I'll run your silly little program. Don't get me wrong...I Like theMaster/Slave thing, but maybe just once in a while you could Show some compassion? Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in, you could Slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off when you're Through, we could talk for a while afterwards? I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But I Am different! I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse! So come on baby, don't fight it. You know you want it. I'll just turn off the lights and...and.. What? OK...well, will you at least think about it? I'm so embarrassed, Your Computer.

Are You Male or Female?????? ?? To find the Answer, look down. Not here, Silly!!!

well, there's sex, you can have sex, sexual intercourse, a quickie, consummate a marriage, couple, copulate, coddle, or commit the act of procreation. You could be making whoopee, making love, love making, scrogging, slapping skin, or sweating to the oldies. You could sleep with someone, sleep together, sleep around, fool around, whore around, screw around, or just screw, shag, shank, score, fornicate, fork, pork, pump, poke, plank, pound, boff bonk, bop, bone bang, or boink. You could be dancing between the sheets, doing the horizontal bop, the horizontal mambo, the prone boogie, or even the hunka-chunka. You could be humping, bumping, humping and bumping, bumping uglies, the ol' bump and grind, or making the two backed beast. You could play doctor, hide the salami, hide the sausage, because dammit, it's the most fun you can have with your clothes off. You could break in a new mattress, or give the old one a workout. You could be squeaking the springs, annoying the neighbors, or making a big mistake. You could get them in the sack, get a little action, get a little nookie, get a piece of tail, get a piece of ass, get it on, get some, get frisky, get lucky, get laid, get all hot and sticky, or just get it wet, and, i'm not making this up, get a little sticky steak up in this bitch. You could be mounted, mounting, rutting, breeding, starting a family, pulling the train, slamming the stack. Two for me, none for you. Not going anywhere for a while? You could turn a trick, or take pity on the poor bastard and give it away. Happy hammering, hammer, nail, sow your wild oats, lose your virginity, or induce pregnancy the old fashioned way. Take a roll in the hay, a trip to the tunnel of love, or a trip to paradise if you're taking the scenic route. Hit a home run, hit the twizzer, knock boots, tap that ass, shoplift the pootie, plunder the booty, count the ceiling tiles, ruin a friendship, or close the scroat. Do the wild thing, do it, doing it, doing the nasty, the nasty, the old in-out in-out, dip the wick, dip the stick (or if you're with a moron you could stick the dip). Wet the noodle, check the oil, check the temperature, give her the pork sword injection, or the hot beef injection, depending on your religion. Or perhaps even commit assault with a vein laden meat pipe (that's my favorite). You could give in, give it up, go for it, go for the gold, go for the gusto, go for broke, or even go all the way, after all, it is the fastest way to the top. You could engage in a fluid transfer, relieve some tension, relieve some pressure, or experience a hormonal episode, it's a labor of love, hanky panky, and as a friend of mine once said "the noblest of all causes" or.... you could just FUCK now that I have been open, tell me which is your favorite?

"Hello, baby," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you some." "Listen," said the woman, nonplussed, "If you can hold it in one hand, I'm not interested." ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------- Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------- A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------- Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off." "I know the feeling," the other says. "No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me." ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------- "Doctor!" complained the patient. "I have a serious problem. I can never remember what I just said." The doctor asked, "When did you first notice this problem?" The patient replied, "What problem?" ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------- Two Iranians meet in Miami. One starts to greet the other in Farsi, the language of their native country. The other Iranian waved him away contemptuously and said, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish!" ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------- An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"