DaddyJAK's blog: "funny things...."

A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S". The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys." Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y." Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No,I have all kinds of candy." "Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks. The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will Swim by, you might live in Michigan . If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights Each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation, you Might live in Michigan. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, You might live in Michigan If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of The year, you might live in Michigan. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work There, you might live in Michigan. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of His forehead, you might live in Michigan. If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might Live in Michigan. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might Live in Michigan . If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who Dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan Part 2 - You know you're a true MICHIGANIAN when........ ..... 1. "Vacation" means going up north on I- 75. 2. You measure distance in hours. 3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once. 4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. 5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging Blizzard, without flinching. (*yes we can and have) 6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including Weddings). 7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave Both unlocked. 8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows How to use them. 9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are Filled with snow 11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter And road construction. 12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent. 13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next To your blue spruce. 14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age. 15. Down South to you means Ohio 16. A brat is something you eat. 17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn. 18. You go out to fish fry every Friday. 19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost. 20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly." 22. You drink pop and bake with soda. 23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not Medicine. 24. You know what a Yooper is. 25. You think owning a Honda is unAmerican. 26. You know that UP is a place, not a direction 27. You know it's possible to live in a thumb. 28. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to Wear is a Kevlar vest. 29. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to All your Michigan friends.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers u p the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out tothe kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

It s Christmas Eve and Santa arrives at this beautiful young woman s apartment. She takes one look at Santa and decides that she needs to make love to Santa. She say s "Oh Santa, won't you stay the night? Santa replies, "HO, HO, HO, Gotta go! Gotta Go! Gotta deliver those toys, you know. The young woman tries to tempt Santa again by letting down her long silky hair and begs, "Oh Santa, now won't you stay? Santa again replies, "HO, HO, HO, Gotta go! Gotta Go! Gotta deliver those toys, you know. The young woman tries one last time. This time she opens her house robe and reveals her beautiful body. She then asks, "Oh Santa, won't you please stay. Santa, now becoming aroused, replies, "Hey, Hey, Hey, Gotta Stay! Gotta Stay! Won't fit up the chimney with my dick THIS way!

Grandma got run over by a racecar Walking down the pit road on raceday. You can say she was a fan of Kasey, That’s what Grandpa, and me we believe. She'd been drinkin' too much Lite beer, And we'd begged her not to go. But she'd left her medication, And stumbled out the RV lookin’ for Kahne. When they found her raceday mornin', At the scene of the attack. There were tire prints on her forehead, And incriminatin' autographs on her back. Grandma got run over by a racecar Walking down the pit road on raceday. You can say she was a fan of Kasey, That’s what Grandpa, and me we believe. Now were all so proud of Grandpa, He's been takin' this so well. See him in there watchin' Bristol, Drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle. It's just not raceday without Grandma. All the family's dressed in red. And we just can't help but wonder: Should we cheer for Kasey or send him to the back? Grandma got run over by a racecar Walking down the pit road on raceday. You can say she was a fan of Kasey, That’s what Grandpa, and me we believe. Now Talladega drops the green flag And Kasey’s in the lead. Pursued by a blue and silver Chevy, That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig. I've warned all my friends and neighbors. Better watch out for yourselves." They should never give a pit pass, To a Grandma who roots for Kasey and raises Kahne. Grandma got run over by a racecar Walking down the pit road on raceday. You can say she was a fan of Kasey, That’s what Grandpa, and me we believe.

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailer Not a creature was stirrin' 'cept a redneck named Taylor. His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle, And a-runnin' down his chin was a trickle of spittle. His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care, And therefore there was a foul stench in the air. That Bubba got scared and rousted the boys. There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11 Dud goin' on 10 Otis was 7. John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3: The twins were both girls so they let them be. They jumped in their overalls, no need for a shirt, Threw a hat on each head, then turned with a jerk. They ran to the gun rack that hung on the wall. There were 17 shotguns they grabbed them all. Bubba said to the young'uns, "now hesh up ya'll! The last thing we wanna do is wake up yer Maw." Maw was expecting and needed her sleep, So out they crept out the door without making a peep. They all looked around, and then they all spit. The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it?" Bubba just stared he could not say a word. This was just like all of The stories he'd heard. It was Santy Claus on the roof, darn tootin' But the boys didn't know they was about to start shootin'! They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake That would have resulted in venison steak. Bubba hollered out, "don't shoot, boys!" That's Santy Claus And he's brought us some toys. The dogs were a-barkin' and a-raisin' cain, And Bubba whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. "Down, Spot! shut up Bullet! quiet, Roscoe and Enos! Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!" "Git down from that porch! git down off that wall! Quit shakin the trailer, or you'll make Santy fall!" The dogs kept a-barkin' and wouldn't shut up, And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup. Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys. Bubba got most, but left a few for the boys. Since the guns had been dropped he just might not die. He jumped in his sleigh, told his reindeer to hurry. The trailer started to wobble santa started to worry. Just as the reindeer got into the air, The trailer collapsed, but Bubba didn't care. He was busy lookin' at all his new toys. Then a thought hit him, and he said to the boys: "Go check on yer Maw, make sure she's all right. That roof fallin' on her could-a hurt just a might." But Maw was OK, and the girls were too. They fixed up the trailer it looked good as new. And as for Bubba, he liked Old St. Nick, But Santa thought Bubba was a pure-in-tee hick! Bubba had a nice Christmas, and the boys did, too. And the Taylors wish a Yee Haw Merry Christmas to you!!!

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, 'what the heck, I really want a drink.' When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, 'What's the name of your penis?' The customer says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink'. The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies." The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, 'Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?' The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, 'TIMEX.' The thirsty customer asks, 'Why Timex?' The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!' A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita. So, what do you call your penis?' The man to his right turns to him And proudly exclaims, 'FORD', because quality is Job 1,' Then adds, 'Have you driven a Ford, lately?' Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, 'the name of my penis is Secret.' Now give me my beer.' The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why secret?' The customer says 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!'

http://www.mypartypost.com/watchvideo/727/Blue_Collar-_Politically_Correct_Christmas

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing- Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

Three guys -- a French farmer, Osama bin Laden, and a Texan are walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie. The French farmer says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in France." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in France was forever made fertile for farming. Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious new state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable." The Texan says, "Fill it with water."