Icarus's blog: "Hurts to watch."

Five years ago, this month I went off my meds.

I had been flirting with the idea for some time prior, upping my dosage, lowering, abusing my dosage etc.

Decided the liver damage and emotional burnout hallucinogenic properties, highs, midgrounds, swaying notions that I was invincible wasn't worth it, and it hit me that I actually could do this.

My shrink heard my mother's pleas, and immediately turned to me and said "actually you have every right as an adult now, and your treatment has been going well, that may however be attributed to the medication, but I would like to believe it is due to the strength of your character- I would like to see you in six months".

In five he was dead.

Today, my mom urged me not to kill myself.

I asked her if that was really a concern any more-

She said yes, that I was depressed, that I could benefit from medication and it may help with the paranoia

... I'm not paranoid, I just have a healthy terror of people.

"but being worried that people are going to hurt you unprovoked isn't normal"

I had some pithy retort that popped that particular bubble, but this is from the woman that has convinced herself of the mantra "better living through chemistry" and the big bad bogie man that was her bipolar father doesn't help her perception.

Except I'm not bipolar.

I'm dystopic.

I'm not handicapped
I'm not dangerous
I'm not a quivering finger on a trigger
there is not "something wrong" with me.

Well, at least not in the way you've come to understand those things.

Emotional and rational responses evoked in me are atypical. My primary tendencies are of vindication cold or warm, humor in sarcasm or situational irony, curiosity leading to a vaguely empathetic understanding (often just for a vicarious exterior emotion I can't experience from my own life and not because I give a flying fuck), faked sympathy for the sake of keeping you around for voyeuristic entertainment or more learning, amused enough to force a chuckle or crack a smile or relate a story that disproves your point, logical articulated correction of the mistaken.

I pet my dog because she asks me to.
I kiss you because they expect me to.
I acknowledge your mostly uninteresting existence because you insist that I do.

This is not my fault.
This is not your fault.
This is not their fault.

It is simply how I am.
I feel no need to attempt to "treat" this "debilitation".

You should just as soon ask me to stop being freckled

why?

I'm me.

I'm not hurting anyone.
I'm not handicapped.
I'm not dangerous.

I pay my taxes, my bills, and I feed myself.

I'm just not happy. Now, from what I hear this is a common malady in these times, on this earth-
why question the source?
Why put a bandaid on it?