phayedead's blog: "Faded..."

Im such a child sometimes, its really frustrating to step back and look at myself. I always seem to take a step back and look at my views on life and love after reading a particular anime series that I read. I dont want to mention the title because I would feel like I was revealing too much of myself. And right now I feel exposed enough, even though I'm keeping everything to myself. I know how I would like my life to be, and how I think love should be; but the reality of it all is that its not what I would like. Perhaps thats why I always want to run. Thats what the main character in the series does when faced with a situation she cant handle. Holds everything back, keeps it locked away inside; until she cant take it anymore and runs. It amazes me how much we have in common, and as a reader I have an outside view and I'm screaming at her, trying to tell her what she should be doing instead of what she is doing. I wish I had someone like that, to be a little voice in my head. Its childish, but I still wish things could be the way I think. I suppose we all do at some point here or there, and I'm fighting with it. Trying to be an adult about things, being responsible and grown up. When all I really want to do is cry out, throw away all pretenses and just be me.

Okay, how annoying; someone rates me and then just sends me a friend invite for no reason with no comment. Sometimes, someone obviously read my profile and leave an interesting comment that makes me think. Hey this may be a cool person to talk to, but I would never just blindly accept a friend invite without some common ground. I'm sure that there is some requirement of friends at the higher levels of fubar but fuck it. I am not going to allow myself to be promoting myself with people I dont know.

Sometimes I think having an over active imaginatino can be a bad thing, that coupled with a delicate sensibility, tends to give me waking nightmares that I cant seem to block out of my head and bring me to tears. I wonder if this is something really wrong with me, or if its okay. Recently a bridge collapsed in Minnasota, and I cant stop thinking about how horrible it would be. I've had many thoughts about what I might have done in such a situation; with things ranging from if I was all alone, or with friends; which way I was going on the bridge, ect. I think its really morbid and I dont want to think about it at all really, but I keep getting reminded of it by things. (Maybe because I work on the river...i dunno.)

I find it pretty funny, in an annoying way, when I get shouts or mail from people who obviously dont read my profile page. I suppose most people just dont bother, and look only at the pictures. I dont read every profile I view. Honestly, I simply rate who ever happens to stop into my bar and then move on about my day. Now sometimes I'll casually glance over their info. (If they have any) to see what kind of person they are before speaking up. If only everyone could show the same curtesy; but then the world would be short of their ration of idiots. Which would be a crime.

My hair use to be long, then short, then long, ect; blonde, red, black, blue, and now black. I can never seem to make up my mind. I do like long hair, and I liked it when I had long hair, but I always seem to get to that one length that makes me want to rip it all out! Sadly I seem to be at this crossroad again; and I'm fighting the urge for a spunky short cut. I want to have braids and pigtails! I want to have curls one day if I feel like it, and ironboard straight the next. I'm trying to find the courage inside to get through this ordeal. I've even thought of other modifications to keep my mind off my hair, like more piercings; my first tattoo; and coloring my hair a bluish black. I might even get my nails done!! Anything to keep me from touching my hair. Help! >.

Yes I think I can safely say, that the hot tub is fixed; and is now availibly for recreational use. I'll surely be soaking sweetly for my weekend. Now if I could just get a little bit of a tan, then I wouldnt be so white...

I'm staying at my parents until I can get out on my own, or with a roommate for now. My dad got this old broken hot tub, got the guys together, and fixed it up in one weekend. The chemicals are a little wack; since my mother and my sister both had allergic reactions. There is no proof that the hot tub was the cause but there is enough supportive evidence to create a theory. Well aparently my dad fixed the chemicals; yet my sister had been too afraid to check it out because she had a rash for over a month. (She still has one.) Well today I convinced her to give it a try; I needed a little relaxation. Well, im about to hop in the shower to get the chemicals off. Hopefully I wont share the same fate of my family... We shall see...