4EVER YOURS life isnt giving or takingli...'s blog: "Eulogy of the Saddened Soul"

Takin a ride to the east side before mornin comes all the kids will've died Takin it slow and back up the track No one rewinds and no gives a shit In morning times we all were told that The good life comes to the brave and bold And they showed us their guns and waved their flags And in the streets we graffittied our souls with our brothers' blood Before we all fall we fight for our good Takin a ride down to the west side The boys are playin the girls on the side Got no money and we've got no home One bullets our mom And one cell is pa Silently scream as the carousel turns The morning sun twists and it burns A last second chance that none of us take But this is all that we've known This is no mistake Takin a ride on to the south side We'll never live but we'll never die The longer we roam Our legend carves the streets Before we go down we sing a new beat

All she ever asked " " Was that so hard to do? Now all she can say is " " And I'm wonderin why you don't even care. Is all I ever see in her...all I hear when she cries cuz of how many lies you've promised and how many times you've torn her apart inside. I don't really think so...and if it's true than you got a fucked way of puttin it through. Yeah I know she spits the message right back but maybe just maybe that's cuz you caused her to crack. and the only thing I see you riskin is money and time and the life that you seem to want so badly that you'd do nothing for. and you...you about killed her. But you can't even see that what you did made her stronger and made her realize that she doesn't need anyone...not even you...at all anymore. And I'm so afraid that one of these days you're going to hurt her so bad that she's gunna say " " and when I find her all that's gunna be left is a message saying " ." Tryin to bandage the places that won't ever heal...tryin to fix every broken heart you leave her with...you know it's really gettin old and I'm gettin tired of it. I'm gettin tired of the jealous trips and the bullshit fits. I don't like bein a pawn in your game usin me to get your way. And more than anything I'm gettin fed up with the way you treat her like a wind-up toy...toss her out and chew her up...you don't care as long as you get your way...that's the only time I see you act like you love her. You know sometimes I wish you would walk away. I'll never ask cuz hell maybe who knows if things will ever work out it ain't up to me to say. It isn't my life though it affects it every day. You don't ever have to see the pain and misery...you don't have to live day to day with someone sittin there tryin with everything they have to please somebody who puts them on ignore and throws their heart in the trash can. You don't ever have t oworry bout how much hell you put her through cuz all you gotta do is get a little pissed off and make her say she's sorry then it's all over and she swallows down another ounce of a bitter poison pill. It's supposed to be a two way street and all I see is a one way avenue with a dead end sign. Livin insida it's like livin in a hurricane. Some days the eye's right over ya and other you're caught in the fury of the storm. She says she wonders if you even see but I don't think that you'd care enough even if ya did cuz lord knows she's told, heavens knows she's tried, you just hear and brush on by expecting that she's gunna be there for you every day no matter what ya put her through no matter what ya say. She tells me it's as much her fault as it ever will be yours that she does the same damn things and you can't lay any blame. But hell how much can a person change for somebody else who keeps stayin the same? Ya see I've noticed a difference since I first been here she hangs around ya more and she keeps tryin to please ya however she can. But your blind to it all, to everything...you keep askin for more and you never give a thing. You're the exact same now as you were when we started...you've left an angel beaten down, worn, and broken-hearted. Do you know the tears that she cries for you? I do..they rip my fuckin heart in two. See I watch my love lovin someone else...which I don't care...that's who she is and I love her for herself. But I watch her other love growin dimmer and dimmer and I watch her try to resurrect somethin that's eventually gunna kill her. I don't get you...it's all bout what's good for you. See you say she doesn't know how to show her love but she's always tryin to please you and she's always sayin she loves you...doesn't she cry when you get into fights? I think you just want someone that you can break and so far I'm scared that you're doin great. I don't know how to help her and I can never heal her pain I can only ever offer two arms that pray they can numb it, they can help out somehow. God dammit man can't you see how you're killin her? I ain't sayin I don't have my faults...I don't have a job and I been here almost three months. I frustrate her cuz the things I say...cuz I don't seem to listen...cuz I forget so easily. I get under her skin cuz I always asks how she feels...when she'd rather be left alone I always try and draw a little too close. I become too distant when I talk to my folks. But see here's a twist I'm willin to change...I won't talk to the parents and I'll try to stay away. I'm doin everything I can to listen a little more...and anything she says that irritates her I try to watch a little closer. And you...you would rather live inside of a screen wastin all your money throwin life down the drain. You'd rather have the old her instead of the new...you can't love the changes, can you? I wonder where it's all gonna end up cuz I can't see you ever changin to meet her needs even though she always changing to meet yours and even though damn near everything about our life is about helpin her try to satisfy you. Even though she's always talkin bout how you make her feel. In closin all I've got to say is I'm hangin on with everything in me. I don't really care how much I can't stand you and I don't care that I get sick every time you're near. I don't care that you make me feel like I'm never good enough and I don't care that I can't ever be your friend. I'll stick through hell just to be by her side all I care about is that you make her cry. You break her down and she's almost all used up...I don't see how she hangs on but that's just her. I just want you to know that you're startin to get old...I wish I could make you stop treatin her this way.

I'm not here to follow crowds. To make waves. To follow pre-set trails. To blaze new ones. I'm here to live a life. Maybe pre-destined. Maybe new at each turn. Maybe a dream and maybe still just a moment being daydreamed soon to be ended by a hiccup. But either way... I'm merely one grain of lava-hardened sand staring morosely and longingly out into a brilliant sunset, wishing to join that grand painting that fades into a black canvas with the falling of one circle and the rising of another. Or... The wind dancing through pines. Conveying the secrets of earth and time and creation to a universe that will never listen. Mingled fluidly and without definition into the billions of things touched upon my journey. But always, always, always... Reality is a looking glass. We...the reflection. A crack, a divet, a little water, turning the glass this way or that...we control our realities. But we don't control the perception. Unless, perhaps... The perception...IS the reality. Or who knows...all that I have are questions.

In silence, we hear the stifled wails of dying children. Those delivered unto the hand of Death...infants, toddlers, those unborn. It's a cacophony of white static...a low roar like a distant ocean at high tide. In darkness, our eyes pick out the writhing bodies of tortured innocents. Young, mutilated, starved, depraved and maddened by the betrayal of those most trusted and those most believed. And we...we continue hoarding our defenses and crowding the lines. Masses. Throngs of eager, hungry, misanthropic zombies. Shoulder to shoulder. Awaiting the awakening. Eating the flesh of their flesh. Tearing greedily into whatever poor soul dares to come to close. Molesting, raping, pillaging the playgrounds and the ones who should have seen only the light. Their stone-deadened eyes a permanent black scar within their sunken faces. Green sun rising and setting on a chrome-and-silver land. Slick oil rain gently falling from the jagged, bitter skies. The screams and shouts of some unattainable and furious God of Wrath, Jealousy, and Lust ricocheting between the blinding flashes of self-righteousness and fear.

We are but dust bourne on the wind. By chance, we land in the same place at the same moment in time. And by chance still, the years and elements blend us together in perfect unity...if wind, wave, and creature does not first tear us asunder. How is it then that two so similar...two so opposite...should chance upon one another and, with the force of a hurricane, fall? Is love not a myth whispered to children in dark hours in the chance that it gives them the mere glimmer of hope they need to carry onward through ever darkening times? Ahh...but we have found that love as we know it means the world. And that love as we know it is not complete myth.