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The Shark (Ages 26 - 33)
When The Crazy Train has experimented with her powers and becomes comfortable with using them, it's not long before she becomes The Shark. The Shark is fully aware of what she is capable of and has now decided to put those powers to use. Sharks don't need a man in their life. In some cases, Sharks view men as "The Monkeys that procure things." Sharks arefocused. They have set a goal for themselves and are working inexorably towards that goal like a perky breasted juggernaut.
In order to land The Shark, you need to be empathetic, understanding, supportive, giving, attentive, and have integrity. Many of you can stop reading right here, and go on to the next chapter because all of these attributes are unknown to you, and you had to Google them before you read this sentence. Many sharks will say that they are simply too busy to have anyone in their life right now. This is simply bullshit. She wants to find someone as much as anyone else, but there are no men that fit her impossibly high standards. She knows that she is 'all that and a bag of chips' and believes that she deserves the perfect man. She thinks that perfect men are rare, but doesn't realize that in the history of the world there has only beenONE perfect man, and he ended up nailed to a cross some 2000 years ago.
When approaching The Shark, you need to be somewhat of a paradox. Bold, yet humble. Outspoken and respectful. Goal oriented yet selfless. I can already sense some of your eyes glassing over. What The Shark wants is reassurance and encouragement. She wants to know that the path that she has chosen for herself is the right one and when she starts to have doubts, she wants someone to give her a pep talk. It is important to note at this point that The Shark is at her weakest a few months before and after her 30th birthday. 30 represents a checkpoint in life where she should have certain things accomplished, and because sh'e human (I'm assuming you're chasing after a human), she will fall short. This is where the pep talk comes in. The Shark also needs to be respected. This means that when you're watching the World Series and it's a tie game at the bottom of the 9th with the bases loaded and a 3 - 2 count on the batter, and she walks into the room to talk... you had damn well better turn off the TV to give her all of your attention. It is vitally important to remember this because every single day that you are with The Shark, she is testing you. She knows every time that you have forgotten to take out the trash, empty the dishwasher, or change over the laundry. She also knows every time that you have killed a spider for her, made her breakfast in bed, or called just to say you were thinking of her. Pick your battles wisely, adventurer, because someone is keeping score.
Sex with The Shark is pretty damn amazing. It is a bit more inhibited than sex with The Crazy Train, but The Shark has skills. So many skills, in fact, that in the back of your mind you wonder if she has ever worked in the porn industry (she has, but you'll never find out). The Shark gets off on the knowledge that she can turn a 200 pound man into a glassy eyed, speechless pile of quivering flesh that can't seem to stop drooling.
Let me start off by saying that I do not consider myself to be an authority on this subject. Anyone who says that they are is probably selling something. When it comes to picking up women, I'm about as smooth as 30 grit sandpaper. I am, however, a very astute observer. This post is meant to entertain my friends that are currently in a relationship and are seeking to live vicariously through the lives of those NOT in a relationship. I've been on both sides of that velvet rope, and know that it is the story of a single person that tends to be the most interesting because it has the most potential to contain the words: midgets, honey, twins, riding crop, and Twister. These observations are based on real events in my own life, and like my life, it is not meant to be taken seriously.
THE CRAZY TRAIN (Ages 21-25)
If you are in your mid 30s and you have your sights set on The Crazy Train, then your judgement is impaired. You have probably just gotten out of a long relationship where you weren't allowed a lot of freedom. Perhaps you are out with your friends and this is part of a dare, or maybe you're just testing the waters to see just what you are capable of. Whatever the reason, you need to be aware that this probably will not end well for you.
Women in this age range are fast. It is in this age range when most women do their craziest shit... and considering that women do some pretty crazy shit at ANY age, it is safe to say that on the crazy meter, this one goes up to eleven. The reason for this attitude is because women have found out that their sexuality is weapons grade shit. They are still in awe of the power that they wield and are often times surprised at their own results. At this age, the world is their bauble and they are just finding that out.
In order to get the attention of The Crazy Train, you need to adopt a passive approach. You need to stand out, but you can't appear to be trying to catch The Train. You must be aloof while maintaining a detached air of superiority. Take your best strengths and amp them up. If you're funny, be funnier than those around you, but don't be overly amused by others. If you're intelligent, showcase your intellect with subtlety... it's a thin line between perceived genius and pretentious fuckbag. If you happen to be both intelligent and funny, you should write a blog about how to court women. Once you are showcasing yourself, understand that this is like setting a trout line -- you're not going to get results every time. Chances are you will have to continue this attempt repeatedly until The Crazy Train has sized you up and come up with a reasonable list of good qualities about you that she can use to rationalize her attraction to you when talking with her friends and looking at herself in the mirror.
Once The Crazy Train has become attracted to you, the first thing you need to do is make sure that all of your insurance policies are valid and up to date. Take half of the money that you have in the bank and have a trustworthy friend hold on to it for you. Then continue to be aloof. Remember the role that you are playing. You are the mature, experienced, older man that is part James Bond and part Sam Elliott (What? You're not the 'cowboy' type? Fuck you, you are now). You represent stability. A man that is both financially and emotionally stable. You conduct yourself with class and decorum but still know how to cut loose and get crazy when it's appropriate.
Sex with The Crazy Train is much as you might expect it to be. Your other sexual exploits were like a ride at Disneyland; fun and quite entertaining, but not much of a surprise... but sex with The Crazy Train is like sitting handcuffed and blindfolded in the back of a '67 Skylark convertible that is going 120 miles per hour down a winding country road while being driven by a pissed off badger. You're utterly surprised if you survive the act, and all you can do afterwards is assess the damage.
Maintaining a relationship with The Crazy Train is an exercise in futility. Her problems are plentiful and all stem from her horrible judgement. Your attempts to relate to her result in her laughing and then giving you the look of a mother who has just seen her son lose his swimming trunks after diving into the water... and it's televised... because it's the Olympics. One of you will soon lose interest in the other and you'll both chalk it up to an embarrassing time in your life.
