DIRK's blog: "Dirks rants..."

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I hate people who forget something important, or fuck up real bad and say "OMG I have A.D.D. like so bad you have no idea." Go fuck yourself. Just because Mtv.com had a "Do you have A.D.D.?" survey and you answered 1 out of 10, does not mean you have a problem. Fidgeting in class is something everyone does. When you get out of your chair in the middle of Spanish and to do push-ups because you forgot to do them in the morning, you might have A.D.D. When you have something important do get done and you keep putting it off, you do not have A.D.D. You're procrastinating you fucking catastrophe with a coach bag. Let me show you why I have A.D.D. - I was reading the Sunday paper on the toilet at work. One of my many pastimes. Mid-way through a riveting article about Carlos Beltran and my beloved Mets I stopped for 5 minutes to flash back on a fist fight I got into in 6th grade. His name was Darrell and he cleaned my fucking clock. Then I finished the article. You wanna go bike riding??? - I'm reading a Shakespeare play for my class. My girlfriend reads it first and makes little notes for me in case I don't understand things. Because that's such a fucking rare occurrence. She writes ".... Taint her reputation". I stopped reading, searched my house for a pencil for 10 minutes so I could circle the word "taint" with an arrow leading up to it and write "You wrote taint!" - I came home drunk the other night and stepped on the dogs tail. Woke the whole fucking house up. While my dad was giving me the "You gotta watch your drinking" speech I was replaying scenes from Shaun of the Dead in my mind. Giggling in my own retarded head. - While doing a final last semester, I paused for 10 minutes to imagine myself in a movie where I was the hero and I was fighting John Travolta for the detonator to a bomb that was going to blow up Canada. I won the fight, shaved a poodle, saved the country and got a B on the test. - It is now 1:19am. I stopped reading the book I have to have read by 8:00am to write this blog. I have A.D.D., and you probably won't win the World Series with that rotation.

I'm going to be helpful tonight because I'm feeling the Christian inside of me. Let me let you in on a few secrets of the rules of retail: 1-When you send a clerk to look for something for you in the back, they are doing one of these things: A- Taking a shit. B- Smoking a cigarette. C- Telling the other clerks how much of a douche bag you are. D- Rubbing one out (my personal favorite). 2- If you're being helped in the store and need to take a phone call because you're so fucking important, release the clerk from his duties and don’t get pissed off when you finish your conversation 5 minutes later and they're gone. I'm not going to wait around for you to have an argument with your wife about the fucking casserole in the fridge. These people need to wear T-shirts that say, "Use condoms" on them. 3- Here are some more cell-phone wankers: these fucking blue tooth people. Come on now. Do you fucking people have any idea how ridiculous you look when you're walking around in a store having a full-out conversation with FUCKING NOBODY? "Jerry, I told you not to take the car because it needs an oil change. What do you mean you already did it? Hello? Can you hear me now? CAN YOU HEAR ME?? HELLOOOOO????" These quirky little inventions were made for you to use while you're driving because a phone call can't wait for some people. Not for you to look like a crazy person. Nextel people. I don't need a punch line. You know who you are. 4- When you ask a clerk when something is coming in, they have no idea and they're going to lie to you. 5- If you think the clerk is laughing at you, they probably are. 6- If the clerk is rude to you, it's because they think you're an asshole. 7- If you walk around the store screaming: "nobody here wants to help the customers" cherish this moment, because it’s the only time you'll ever be right.

Recently I’ve noticed this new trend of the inconsiderate cellphoner. These assholes talk on their phones at the most inappropriate times… Example 1: Watching TV. A few friends and I will be watching TV, and “Kimo’s” cell phone rings. I assume that he will walk into the other room to take the call. Instead, he answers the phone while sitting on the same couch that we are all on. He then goes on for 5 minutes chatting away with god knows who. Thing is, I can barely hear the TV with all this jabbering going on next to me. So I turn the TV up, but that only makes him talk louder. Have a little courtesy for everyone else. I don’t give a crap what you are talking about on the phone, but I cannot hear anything besides your conversation!!! Annoying… Example 2: Eating. Same scenario, Kimo takes a call while we are all eating. Politeness tells the rest of us not to talk while he is on the phone 2 feet away. But what the hell else are we supposed to do? Nothing, that’s what. Annoying… Example 3: In A Car. Kimo and I are driving somewhere; he gets a call and turns down the music. So now there’s absolutely nothing for me to do. No music, just his stupid talking blasting in my ears. I don’t want to listen to his conversation, but there’s nothing else i can do! Cut the call short! Say you will call the person back! Do something! The whole time this is happening all I'm thinking is, “How can he not realize that this is annoying as hell!?” There are always exceptions, but 99% of the time its just plain stupid. Give your friends the opportunity to do something other than listen to your pointless one way conversation. Cut the call short, or just SHUT THE HELL UP!