AprilDawn's blog: "Depressed"

well,we're about to be evicted,this has never happened to me before,I'm embaressed,scared and just a whole lot of emotions.I really feel like I'm about to loose it.We went to apply for emergancy assistance today,apparently Kevin makes too much(about $100.00 over).Can you beleive that we're barely getting by and we make to much,we can't get cash assistance,food assistance or emergency housing.To be eleigable for emergency housing you have to be recieving cash assistance...WTF!My anxiety and depression are on fast downward spiral,I'm at the point were my attacks make me just wanna curl up and die,i can't find work because of them.I applied for SSI,I hope I get it cuz without it I dont know what we're gonna do.It's not gonna help our situation right now anyhow as its a 2-3 month process.So for us to avoid the eviction we have to pay last months rent,Mays rent and a $450.00 lawyers fee...all in all $2,435.00.I mean where in the hell are we gonna come up with that,if we could've we would'nt be in this situation.My sister inlaw is going to lend us part of it,but I'm racking my brain to figure out where to get the rest from.we've gone all public assistance routes as well as the salvation army,red cross and local places that offer asistance and got nowhere,We already owe my dad $1,000.00,and My mother would'nt even lend us $100.00 a few months ago when we were in a bind.I also have to worry bout where we're gonna stay while I recover from an upcoming surgery,it's looking like our car is gonna be our new home.Sorry I'm rambling,just typing as the thoughts come.Anyone know how to make a suicide look like murder so Kevin can collect on my life insurance policy..haha..I just don't know WTF to doAny suggestions anything we have'nt thought of advice whatever would be much appreciated... 12:46 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Ok,I 've never actually written a blog before,and I'm basically just doing it because I well I really don't know why.I just got off the phon with my mom,She and my Daughter had just gotton back from the Dr's where my daughter has undergone more testing(yes my mom has custody of my daughter long story,please don't judge me on that,it really the best place for her)(and it's a long story that expands my lifetime)back to the subject,My daughter has previously been diagnosed as having ADHD,no big deal right plenty of people with ADHD go on to live productive lives,and then on top of that was diagnosed with mild autism.Oh she's going to be 12 in Dec,Developmentaly she act's like she's 5-6 yrs old.Is in the "6th grd",but doing 2nd grd work.She is in a special school,will never attend normal school again...She is now diagnosed as being Mentaly Retarded,not developmentaly disabled...for the rest of her life she will need adult supervision,no proms no drivers licsense and it's breaking my heart...She was only 5lbs 6oz and 17 1/2 in. at birth,yes she was full term,but i just could'nt give up the god damned ciggerettes while I was pregnant...and now she is paying the price for it.No I am not sitting here feeling sorry for myself,I am riddled with guilt(well deserved)and feeling sorry for her,because of my lack of determination and willpower,and the it'll never happen to my kid,did'nt give up smoking while I was pregnant with her.So if you're pregnant or know someone who is,just because you've never seen a child affected by smoking during pregnancy,it does happen and my little girl is living proof so throw them away quit smoking or help someone who is pregnant quit...Please!!!To those of you who read this through thankyou for taking the time to do so,I know I've rambled I'm not very good at writing so ...I don't know...