Proud Air Force Wife's blog: "deployments"

there are times when i feel absolutely crushed and can't seem to get over it. his absence is wrenching me apart. i'm fine and numb one minute and then something so small reminds me of what i'm missing and i break. i fall apart and i don't know how to put myself back together again.

dear rick, i know this is just my blog and that you'll probably never read it. but i'm going to pretend that i'm writing you a letter anyway. i just wanted to say that i miss you and i love you. it's only been a few hours so far and there are so many more to go. the house is so empty and i keep waiting for you to come out of the bathroom or come home from work. kahlua keeps running to the door every time she hears a bmw drive by the house, only to realize that it's not you coming home and she comes back into the living room with her tail down. the baby bean has yet to realize that you're missing, but she's not all there so you can't really blame her. my mom sent me an email and it said that you were in god's hands now. that i should be strong and you'll be back before i know it. but the only way that could happen is if you walked thru the door right now. and i know you won't. all i have to ask is that you be careful and watch out for yourself. drink lots of water and stay hydrated. just be safe and make sure you come home to me and the beans because we won't make it without you. i love you.

i live in germany and i live a pretty good life. i don't have to work and my husband takes very good care of me. but now i have to take on the hardest job i never thought i could. i have to say goodbye to his touch, his smell, and face the fact that he won't be coming home everyday. he has to leave me and it's his job. it's his responsibility that he is more than happy to take on. but it does mean he'll leave me. he won't be here and i'll be alone. it might be different if i were home, but it might not. last time we were apart, it was so difficult. i missed him so much and the short phone calls were never enough. i love him so much and i respect and honor him because of his willingness to sacrifice himself for his country and my freedom among everyone elses. but i'm sorry, i am selfish, and i will say that i hate that his job takes him away from me. i hate even more that it might one day take him away from me forever.