MissPin's blog: "Dear Diary"

Aiight I can't write on my actual blog on MySpace because my best friends and family members read that shit. As soon as I write a private blog for a preferred list or to myself - I get shit from everyone..all worried that they did something wrong. So anyway - I duno who I am. lol I come back to England with life breathed into me.. they saved my life over there. I read through my last blog I wrote on here the other day, and told my best friend about the bit where I wasn't sure if she was a sister to me anymore...I have no idea what made me write that- cos I can't remember her upsetting me at all. Then we were talking about when I was an addict, and she explained why she was so upset the night I left for USA - it's because she thought I might never come back. A) By enjoying myself so much or B) I would die over there. This was strange because for some reason - I used to think I would too. I'm definitly a new person - Kaz left a bottle of Jamesons in my room about 3 weeks ago for us another time, and I haven't even unscrewed the cap for a sniff. I haven't even thought about it until her and I spoke about it yesterday so it hasn't even been a struggle. I mean, I still drink...but in a completely different way - because I wasn't an alcoholic...meaning I wasn't completely dependable on alcohol...but I was definitly getting there. That's why I can still drink now. So that was just nostalgia.. But now, ok I used to be Straight. Then Bisexual - then I was with a guy and I was sure I was straight again...plus my best mate expressed her 'straightness' one night when we kissed.. so I went along with her and declared my straightness too. Since then, I have always 'appreciated beauty' in females.. and I always knew I'd fuck girls no prob but I couldn't see myself falling in love. Along came Jerry, he was my man for life. He still is. Since he passed - I find it difficult thinking of being with another man... but I did get a little 'over-friendly' we'll say with a girl I met this summer. Now, I don't know what I am. I'd gladly say I'm Bisexual for sure if I could but I'm afraid of being judged mainly by my family.. my friends would be fine with it. My aunt doesn't let her kids see her sister because she is a lesbian. Thats wrong. She said she 'finds the whole homosesxuality thing disgusting' I had no idea she felt like that. Ever since I got home I've been like, proving my straightness because my family know I went to an all nude strip club more than 3x a week over there, with my two moms. SO because of them, and the club and getting lapdances, I thinkmy family think I'm gay. I don't want to be a closet case for ever. But I also feel that without being with a girl for real, relationship - how do I know what sexuality I am without trying both all the way? Argghhh my mind is a mess.

A lot of people keep telling me that this year is going well for me. Really fucks me off when they say that, like they totally forget everything that's happened and I could do the same. You know that The Damned song, 'I Just Can't Be Happy Today'? that's been me really for 2007. 2006 was a great year for me, I was such a happy positive person, I honestly believed that anything was possible. Never thought I'd be right. I feel like I'm losing tough with people. My relationship with my grandmother which used to be quite mother/daughter.. has now become non-existant. It's all down to me though, I know it's my fault but I don't want to change it. Nice. That's exactly what I'm getting at, people used to be able to tell me that I'm a great person and I'd believe them. Now I know for a fact that I am a nasty, spiteful, pessimistic piece of shit. So I can't believe them. I won't believe them. I can admit I am good at certain things, like drinking, writing, hair color lol. ~The trouble with drinking is it smells of you~ My friends want to get me and this guy out on the same night for a drinking battle. It's nice to know I have my uses. Instead of constantly seeing years of emptiness, I actually have a few things I'm looking forward to; 1. Tattoo chest piece for birthday 2. My pirate birthday party 3. Going to USA again in June 4. My hair being completed. 5. University in Sept. That's positive. I may be empty, but I don't belive my life future is. I also belive I have a future now. End Note: I thought best friends were supposed to be like a sister? I always thought mine was for past 10 years. Now I'm not so sure. Also, I love girls bitchy ways. Sure, I never responded nor spoke to anyone for months online. I had reasons. Everyone knew that. Especially one person - but now to be ignoring my calls/texts/messages...finally sending me a message saying she didn't receive any and if she did she was too busy to respond anyway...yet writing about 5 longass blogs on her boring life. Ah whatever, like I said, not asif I'm the friendliest person right now anyways.