Drunkfox's blog: "Daily thoughts"

today i happened to take a nap and had a really weird dream about my dad. we were sitting at the dinner table at the house i grew up in just him and i. we ech had a cup of coffee sitting in from of us and i noticed that it was still early morning. all i can remember of our "conversation" was i kept telling him that i was sorry i wasnt who i was supposed to be. that i was sorry for all the mistakes i had made in my life. i told him i was sorry that i couldnt make him proud of me before he died. he just sat there and looked at me and said "time for you to wake up" and thats when i woke up

my daughter was born in september of 2000...in august of 2001 my gf gave birth to a son ethan scott. when he was 8 months old he was killed by a drunk drivedr in a car accident...my parents did not know about ethan because of the bullshit i was going through with aly at the time...macy and ethan were coming to the beach so that my parents could meet him for the first time...i never to this day have told them the truth.

macy blamed me for his death because before she left she had called me to tell me they were heading down and wanted to get ahead of weekend traffic...i told her to talk to me a lil longer because i was just about off work and so we talked a lil longer then she said she had to go and that she would call me on the road.

she said if i had let her go then ethan would still be alive and threatened to call the police if i spoke to her again...she had him cremated and took his ashes somewhere to the midwest with her.

to this day i cannot cry over anything sad....i have yet to cry over dads death and that was 3 yrs ago...i do not have a conscience when it comes to sad things.

i have been told i was callous and cold but i feel that when certain events take place in your life you adapt new emotions and have a habit of staying with them

some days i sit and think "what the hell happened to me?"...when i was 18 and just graduated from high school i knew i wanted to be either a history/PE teacher or continue my culinary arts education...i was accepted into the art institute of seattle culinary arts program on a full scholarship but i gave it up to move to missouri to help out my aunt rebuild her house after hers was burned by arsonists. al though i didnt expect to be thanked it still would have been nice to hear or at least say they appreciated the fact i gave up a career to bust my ass and get degrated because i wasnt an ass kisser.

i moved home and met my daughters mom which i consider the worst decision i have made...but i love my daughter more than anything and nothing will ever change that.

i have made mistakes in my past but i was young and stupid and yes i spent a lil bit in jail but i wish people would learn to leave that stuff in the past and realize that i am not that same person i once was...i want people to see that i want to make people see that i really am a good person and that i would do anything for my friends and family.

thats all i am able to put down because my brain just took a huge shit