Dear Phil...~*~ True Confessions and pouring my heart out~*~
Okay Look its 4 A.M I went out in my livin room after gettin off the phone with you and tried to watch tv didnt work because all I thought about was you. So I shut my tv off closed my eye's figureing it would help sure didnt because Im still tired as hell but can't sleep because All I think about is you. So I figure Id just write you and let you know exactly what is going threw my head for once I dont wanna wake you up so Im just going to tell you now and here while its on my mind. Look the reason I didnt know If i was sure i wanted to talk to you or not like anymore It really had nothing to be against you and I mean this really in the sincerest way it's not you it's me. You may or may not know Im not going to say you don't know how hard it is for me because honestly I dont know weather it is for you or not. But everytime I talk to you and everytime I hear you voice it pulls me back closer to you and its like it sucks me in. It's not that I dont want to be friends with you because in my heart your close to me weather I know who you really are or not. I know some and what I know I like about you. I like that you're not perfect that you dont have a perfect like and I like being abel to be there for you. And ya know Im sittin here right now listening to Mario-how do I breath and Ray J- Anytime. I mean. I dont want little bits of you I want all of you because I need all of you. I cant just sit there and talk to you like I dont have feelings for you I do love you I mean its not head over heals but its to the point where i care about u and would do almost ne thing for u and for once I dont wanna puse you out of my life I did that all my life and I dont wanna do that to you and thats what makes it hard but if I cant have all of you I cant really accept that. I mean Im not scared to love you Im just scared of the outcome. Because of what happened between me and Josh. I only dated him for like almost 3 months but It felt like forever and he was my everything and I kinda pushed him away but he chose to believe everyone over me. He was my life and I would have died for him. And Im starting to get some of the same feelings I had for him for you and that scares me. I want you to be the one I run to when something is wrong I want you to be the one who just hugs and tell's me everything is ok and just be there for me. I need that from you Im not sure why But I wanna be with you all the time. And Im not running away from my feelings. Im running away from whatever it is your doing because your hurting me we went 2 weeks and i got broken up with twice. And It hurt and the second time i cried. Im not trying to make you feel bad Im just being honest because I need to get it out. I want you to be my best friend. I want you to be my everything. And your right my whole world lights up when I hear your voice or you call. Or like when I stayed the night and I huged you do you know how awesome it was to just wrap my arms around you and have you hold me. That was the best feeling ever and those are the things that make my day. LOL. I had one of the best times I had in a long time when I spent the night because I was with you and I was happy. and I unno. I cant really explain it. I mean Im not even sure exactly what to say or how to put things. I mean. I feel like a throw back girl to you. I just. I dont know one minute you wanna be together and the next you dont know what you want and Im not going to go threw that. I dont want to lose you in my life because. Ive been down that road and I lost a best friend in the process and it still hurts. I need all of you I cant just have pieces of you. I want to be the one you come to the one you open up to the one to help you the one to comfort you. I wanna be the one your real with the one who can see the real you who you are on the inside. I want you to be real with me and show me who you are. Ive never poured my heart out to you and everytime we talk every night I cant tell you when you ask that question how do you feel or do u love me. I just I dont know Its like all my breath is taken away and I cant talk because I dont know what to say. You asked me if I love you the answer Yeah I do not to the highest extend but I am falling for you because I fall quick when I have the comfort level with someone and i unno. I just I dont know what to do anymore. And I hear everything you say to me I may change the subject or pretend like I didnt hear you or any of that But I hear every single word you speak to me. Because everything you say goes straight to my heart and it hurts. Thats why I cried and wrote that blog and got off the phone then called you back because I need to talk to you because I need re assurance to know everything would be alright and you said it would without even knowin I needed to hear it. You have some of the most amazing eyes ive ever seen and I could look into them all day and fall in love with you all over again. Or make you laugh everyday. Or listen to you tell me I love to hear your reactions when I say things its soo cute lol I love when you tell me that. And yes EVERYSINGLE TIME i talk to you phone computer in person whatever it may be you light up my world and I smile. and laugh and giggle. I sit there and think for a minute how crazy is this lol. But i love that feeling and you give it to me. IN the past i always had regrets for the ones I really had feelings for 3 of them in my past dated about a billion guys but 2 who I really cared about Chris, Scott, And josh ok..I have regrets with them 2 not so much scott but chris is dead he proposed to me and I told him no and that nite he got into a fight with his bro im not exactly sure what happened but chris got shot and he died. And It tore me to pieces and there were things I didnt get to say and things I wish I would have told him and the same thing with josh. He isnt dead obvisoully but there were things he will never know things i never told him that was in my heart and Im not about to let it happen ne more with ne one im know going to sit there and cry and be like so many things i needed to say but I couldnt. Im telling you like it is. Because you asked me to. Because you needed to know. Im here right now and Its real and Im telling you. Im falling in love with you. And Im crazy over you. And I need you to be my everything right now. Im not waiting for ever for you to get your head right and you said you made stupid choices and you do dumb things nobody does dumb things were human and the choices we make are the ones that make and break who we are. And build the people we become in the years to come. Thats why I get so upset that you smoke and that you say I feel like ima die or ima die or this or that or you stupid you are far from stupid and If you died I wouldnt know what to do. And allot people around me are dieing lately and Its not funny and it hurts when you say that and I really wish you would stop smoking because I care about you and your health I mean I use to smoke once upon a time but I dont ne more I quit and I really wish you would soon. Because I dont want you to get lung cancer or something. I just. what do I do anymore. Im letting you know right now. You better think long and hard about what ever is going on in your head and decide where your going in your life because. Im not going to have you in my heart and on my mind 24.7 I cant get you out of my head. I just. I dont know. But I cant wait forever. If you cared you woulda knew a week ago when you called me before you said what you said you shoulda knew what you wanted. I cant wait anymore. You have told me about a billion times and Ive waited 3 weeks and done this for 3 weeks I just dont know what I want part of me dont know what I want and part of me whats u if u think ima walk outta ur life u got me twisted if u think ima fuck u over u got me twisted. I cant wait anymore. Because it hurts to much. I mean everything I say in the sincerest way. Nothing I say I mean rude dont take it offenceivly. You just have to understand where Im comming from. I want to to think about this.....okay
♥ Forever is not a gaurentee and neither is love ♥
Tomorow is never a promise and neither is tonite ♥
Each day you live is a gift from god. And each person who is sent into your life good and bad is a gift from him to make you strong to withstand anything. I just want you to know tomorow isnt promised. And I cant keep going on with you not knowing what you do or dont want in your life because its messed up. Everyone's life is messed up. And Everyone's situatuon is different. Everyone goes threw shit and gets pushed down its called the roller coaster of life. Life is a big ride you dop and you fall you just gotta pray and hope to god that you can live another day and build enough strenght over time to hope to hell that you can pull yourself back up. I will always be here for you when your going threw shit and need someone to lean on. But I cant talk to you if its like this. Because it hurts me to much. I just cant. ANd It's taken me 50 minutes to get this far in the letter. Long ass letter long ass time. So I'm going to let you go and comtiplate on this letter and think about the choice you are going to make because its eaither going to make you or break you no matter what decisions you make and you need to give burt another chance he's your friend he's your boy and sooner or later your going to need him in life. You would hurt if he wasnt here tomorow so stop bein big headed and stubborn and talk to him. Nothing is perfect in one day. But you need to try. So Im going to go now. ANd I guess I'll talk to you in a little while if I can even get to bed. Im not sure. But Just remember tomorow is never promised. So live in the moment. And go with your gutt and heart. And do what you feel if it hurts me or hurts you whatever it may be you need to be honest with yourself and you need to be honest with me because I just poured out my heart to you.
I love you and I Care about you
~*~ TTYL ~*~
Love Always and Sincerely,
Cassie Marie. C aka (cassie boo)
4:43 A.M
Sunday, Nov 26,2007
P.S I want you to go read the lyrics for me to Ray J-Anytime and that will explain pretty much how i feel. So get at me when your head is clear.Goodbye.!!!
