PERSONAL HYGIENE
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's
OWN bike keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days However, if you live alone,
deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's
jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
DINING OUT
- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not
to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
- Always offer to unscrew the top on your dates wine bottle, especially on the first date. Be
aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I
read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others
might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to
school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has
ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. [Courtesy of RUSS See More in the JOKES Section.]
WEDDINGS
- Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
- For the groom, at least, rent a tux. Leathers with a cummerbund and a clean "show me your
tits!" t-shirt can create a tacky appearance.
- Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
- Never tow another bike using pantyhose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back
beer.
- Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
- Do not pop a wheelie while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will,
it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to
the funeral home.
