EEK's blog: "beer scooter"

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!" Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!" Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

> At last an explanation!!!!!!!!!! > > How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of > drinking and thought 'How did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot > piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. > > The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter. The beer > scooter > is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by > Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease > in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these > magical devices. The beer scooter works in the following fashion: > > The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring > gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many > sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer > scooter. > > The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via > a > trans-dimensional portal. It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, > so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. > This generates the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so > much money?' > > Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible > for 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented > feature > of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. > > The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, > seemingly unaccounted for. This generates the third question after a night > out 'What happened?' > > With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT (Embarrassing Moments In > Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts > in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's EMIT is not necessarily > the EMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained over a suitable > period. > > Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter's > navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong > bedroom often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a > GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialising > in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!! > > For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked from > other people's garden and Thump-A- Lot Boots. These boots are designed in > such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to wake up > your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into > every wall and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains > the > ring barked shins. > > The final add-in Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is TAS > (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently > get > through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night. > > PS: Don't forget the on-board heater which allows you to get home from * > the bar in sub-zero temperatures wearing just a t-shirt. > >