tat's blog: "basic ramblings"

I have been thinking about ending it .. and yes I know that it is an irrational thought . and I know its not something I really want to do but the thought persists and i know i dont think i really would at least I dont think that i could but the thought persists and sometimes when I feel so cold and nothing seems to matter I think maybe it would be better not to be at all and no i dont think i really would at least i dont think that i could the thought persists

why is it everything seems so hopeless? why do i just want to let it all pass me by? I wish that I could find a reason to live. Something to just help give meaning to what I do. Is it too much to ask? Does everyone feel this way? I just dont know if I even want to wake up anymore. Nothing matters nothing feels real.Im just numb.Maybe all I need is a vacation from life. Gray cold lonely pain an illusion pleasure unknown end now begin again new hope destroyed gray cold lonely hope for death

when I was younger me and my group of friends would meet at starlite coney island and sit and drink coffe and smoke, but most importantly we would talk. We would talk about everything. Each night we discovered something new about ourselves and each other. As we got older it got harder to meet but there was a way to keep in touch. There was a loose brick on the windowsill that we used to leave messages under. Any time any of us were there we would leave a message under the rock. sometimes the message would show signs of being there a long time before you saw it. It was something you got used to looking forward to, looking under the rock. They remodeled starlite and now there is no rock. I miss stopping in just to check and see how people were doing and leaving my messages to let them know I was still alive. silly isnt it.

a new year a new me or maybe just an old me. Tired of the lies tired of pretending to be someone I'm not I have to care, its who I am. I have to believe in something greater, some meaning or else I have no reason to breathe. Why did I ever try to give up my emotions? If being whom I'm supposed to be means that you've won, then I concede defeat. You are the master to all that is cold and dead inside. I can't live that way, not anymore.I have to believe that there is good in everyone even when they can't see it themselves You told me that caring for anyone else dows nothing but cause pain; but not caring makes you feel nothing at all. Why live if nothing matters? I should like to think that yo've learned to care. That somewhere someone managed to break through the ice covering your heart.That you've finally know how to feel. I can't save you not until I learn how to save myself. But I will pray for you and maybe someday I will see you happy.

Woke up late again this morning and everyone seems to be heading south at the same time and my boss is cranky today not a thing we do is good enough ,but Somebody Loves me no matter how hard my day Somebody Loves me whatever come what may anything that happens anything that comes along it doesnt seem to matter as long as I know Somebody loves me and I want to thank you for all you've done even if it doesnt seem like much a little smile, a whisper, even the memory of a touch it helps me through every day knowing Somebody loves me remember too. Somebody Loves You!

left to myself i sit here wondering if anything really matters. will i always be just alive without living any kind of meaningful existence. i work, i get up each morning and put myself through all kinds of pain. physical emotional spiritual, for a check that i cannot enjoy. i cant keep my children happy and safe. they look forward to the time when they can escape. and i work. the bruises fade, the memory remains. and i work.

random thoughts in my head little wishes to be dead through my mind in an instant race too fast to control the pace tangled in reality death to me a fantasy lost within my own pain drowning in the falling rain wondering if what i really crave is to be left alone in my grave

I feel completely separated from the world even though everyone is still there. Lost in a world without communication.Stumbling over spoken words. Somehow it is easier to talk with typing. Almost as if my fingers speak better than my mouth. I can understand what people type better than I can with them speaking. How long do I have to live this way? When will comcast come and fix my internet?

sitting here shaking, wondering if you will come back. did i throw everything away just for the sake of my pride? it's dark outside and im cold inside and i dont know if i can ever be warm again. my mind is racing with all i said and how it was said. did i go too far? is there anything i can say or do to take back the pain i've caused?