avgrl's blog: "avgrl"

I trusted him. I believed him. I made excuses for him. No not abusive but a long distance relationship. Well if you can call it that looking back. I respected him and kept things quiet for the most part told my friends about us no one we had in common. He said it was cause he didn't want anyone to know his private life. I wanted to believe that but I now wonder how many others did he have believing him, believing they were special to him. He would make promises but not follow through then say that he didn't want me questioning his honesty because that was the most important thing to him. He just had a lot going on. I wasn't a FU girl friend that was never what I wanted yet it turned into all I was. I guess he wanted to see how much he could get from me. I kept giving, not things but emotions something I hold very close and almost never give out. I can't believe I fell for that I would tell anyone they are a fool. But I guess I'm so desperate to believe someone could love me that I believed the lies. How could I be so blind? I really loved him now I don't know that I will ever trust my feelings again. I don't trust people but stepped outside of myself to do so now I don't know that I will be able to do that again.

Promises Can make you feel as if your floating on air Mean the world and show that your cared about Give you something to look forward to Show you can trust and believe in someone Give hope and faith Broken Promises Make you feel as if your worth nothing Can crush your spirit Can kill all belief and trust Can hurt and bring tears Can destroy your world and bring you down to nothing Pleading Please don't promise if you don't intend to follow thru Please don't promise if you don't mean it Please don't promise if your desire is to hurt me Please don't promise unless you really mean it Please don't promise just to make me happy

Please... Don't talk to me if it's about what you can get from me... I have nothing left to give Don't say nice things to me to get them in return... I deeply hurt when I hear them Don't ask me what's wrong... I just may tell you Don't promise me you'll be there always I'll wanna believe that but I can't Don't tell me I'm special... I want that more then anything Don't expect much out of me... I'm broken Don't say you love me... I want that more then anything

Your messages make me smile Every time I get a message my heart beats faster I watch my phone every day hoping The sound of your voice sends chills down my spine Send shock waves through my body Flipping a switching, leaving it on I dream of you, of the time we will be together Wishing, hoping it will come true Your arms around me, holding me tight Falling harder and harder Hoping your doing the same I love you, hoping you do the same

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Out among the shadows Lies the emotions of a young child His pain, triumph, and love All the passions are hiding, running away He looks at what the future holds Yet he has no idea where he’s going He must grow older and face the truth He must smell the eternal smell The smell of what’s deep down inside The smell of fresh warm sticky sweat He feels the pounding of the heart His passions are coming out into the light He runs into the shadows Away to hide from the pain He sees the wiser answer He sees the light He has grown and aged beyond the age Reaching a smarter medium Ouch, slap, it all becomes reality Being the wisest will never happen It was all a dream He steps back and learns where he is He now sees he must grow He must now learn to love He must now learn to control his emotions Step by step he makes his way Learning and growing Aging with the time Becoming the wiser never the wisest

A sense of panic over came my sleep Total awareness and consciousness Closed eyes, sleep filled, not moving, not blinking Aware and not liking, loathing the helplessness Don’t stir, don’t move, it may worsen Why the constant pursuit when it’s not right Not brought about, pushed away Far from being able to cry out yet yelling inside A sudden shirt – He rests – He waits Move a little, don’t give in, try and hide the facts Let him know you aren’t happy, don’t respond Wishing it done, just wanting peace, to be left alone Was it caused by me, in anyway? Trying harder to ignore as more persistent he tries When will it ever be over my torment Don’t lose control, anger go away, detach, be gone! It’s over as I shift again, please be done Safe for awhile, hoping for it to last, knowing it won’t Not long after it persists I just want to scream Run away hide, forever, help, slashing my soul Every good girl tries to avoid it Every bad girl invites it, almost asks for it No precautions good enough to keep the demon away Welcoming it with open arms for comfort A short times comfort causing many pains It’s done, the alarm goes off It’s safe to wake, have my senses be my own Don’t let in, it may be worse Leading on, teasing playing a game It’s not a game, it’s my life, return it to me Be gone; go away, it’s not okay It’s my life, return it to me!

I am the perfect woman in your head As long as you picture me sweet and innocent I showed you what you wanted to see What you expected to see, I became your goddess Your compared others to me They didn’t please you the way I do Never making you feel as I make you feel I let it all crash, opened myself to you Told you more than I should have I let you see my inner thoughts, feelings, desires You begged me to; I tried to ward you off You begged me to I relented I let you see the emptiness, the void to be filled I let you see the side I’m not proud of You told me to take care of myself, to change, to improve You told me I was different, I had lied I warned you you would be disappointed, things would change When you learned I wasn’t your expectation, I became nothing I showed you what you wanted to see, you lost your fantasy You say you will forget the details, things won’t change You say I am still the perfect woman, in your head

As I stared into your eyes I felt a true passion Something I never felt before A longing to be held, northing more, nothing less I had dreamed of your eyes Before I knew they were yours All this feeling familiar, yet new I want you to touch me The feeling unlike anything before Kiss me softly You send chills down my spine A dizzying rush You make me feel as if you cast a spell I don’t want you to let go Always hold me close Bewitch me with your passion, your love