Keyser Soze's blog: "Alone"

I have decided due to some things going on in my real life that I am going to step away from Fubar and the internet world all together. I have some things I need to figure out. Fear not I will return in due time with a batch of new chapters in the life of me I promise. Cheers, C

(Warning this makes no sense and turns in and out of Rant/bitch/whine mode) I have of late and I know not where lost my mirth. (Indirect quote from Hamlet) Okay I lied I have not lost my mirth. But I have lost my lighter and that is never a good sign. I feel like I am saying goodbye to so many things that have been in my life for so long and it is really starting to hurt. And so many of my friends find this hard to understand I guess. I am not a typical guy I suppose. I have morales and a code of conduct that I try to follow and when somebody tells me that what I am doing is wrong or does not fit with what they believe I find it hard to spend time with them or talk to them. I have spent a long time putting together this puzzle that is me and I will be damned before I let anyone start to pull out the important parts. I am Craig Anderson, born in the town of Sherman on the outskirts of Dallas. I have loved, lived, once died and returned (shh drown was dead for 3 mins see my other blogs for a rant about that). I watched my Father die. My best friend died in my arms. I walked away from the one person that understood me. I have done wonderful and not so wonderful things in my life. I am who and what I am so love it or don't it matters not to me. Well now that I got that out. If any of my friends or readers are offended by anything I said well lads and lasses. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Because if you were a true friend you would not be offended now would you.

Ten years ago. I was the type of person that thought love was the most important thing in the world. If you loved somebody you gave everything you are to that person. You make any sacrifice. You took the pain with a smile. All the persons faults were forgivable. Any grand gesture that I needed to make I made. Move 2,000 miles away from your home where you don't know anyone Craig. SURE! Trust every one of them with my money and my things and when they break that trust give them another chance. Then another and another. Once you were in my "circle" it took damn near a betrayal of Caesaresque proportion. I would defend, support and stand beside my lovers until the end. To the hilt. In for a penny in for a pound. Nothing held back. And when my heart was broken I thought " It is okay. The next one will be the one that deserves my emotions and attention." And I began the search again. These days. I have no issue getting rid of people that offend or harm me. Betray me once and you are gone. All of those flaws not my fucking concern. Keep them under control or leave. Love is not worth the effort or pain. I go into every relationship with an exit strategy in place. I wait for the other shoe to drop. I am always on the lookout for the next Ex-girlfriend. My faith is shattered and my hope is gone. I expect the worse in everyone and the days of doing whatever it takes are long gone. I think I would have a problem moving over in bed for somebody now let alone moving across the country. So consider the stage set. I was told by me Cex the other night that over the last month when we were suppose to be working on rebuilding our friendship and thus our relationship that I have been standoffish in our conversations. I have spoken to her about nothing of substance only superficial how was your day bullshit. She is right. The truth is when she told me that she could not answer if she wanted to work this out or not. I lost faith and as the days went past with things becoming more and more strained I began to lose my hope. Somebody once told me "There is always hope." When she told me that all of those years ago I knew that she was wrong. There is not always hope. Hope and Faith are like cups. Everyday we take a sip from them. And over time they become empty. There needs to be something to refills those cups. I have yet to figure out what that is. I have been without faith or hope for years now. But now I am faced with having to sit here with a person that I care so deeply for and that I honestly dont think I will ever forgive and try to be her friend. I don't know if I can do that. I want to with every ounce of my being. But when it comes down to it I dont know if I have that kind of thing in me anymore.

I sit on the verdant turf, In silent contemplation, Of all the smiles we shared, The unconditional love, And support, You once gave me. My heart-torn soul, Can not, Will not, Find the words, That must be spoken, A final, Goodbye. I remember all the time, We shared talking, About the future, Of hopes and dreams, All of that is gone now, Lost to time. I am lost without, Your arms that gave me, Comfort and acceptance, Your words that gave me, Reason and understanding, Confused and alone i sit. When I dream in the night, I still hear your, Voice, I still feel your, Presence, I try to hold onto it. But, The morning always comes, To steal those dreams, The only words I can find, The only words my heart will allow, Come unbidden to my lips. I love you dad....Goodbye

Each of us In our own way Claws through the darkness Twords the light Of hope and life. Seeking to forge Order from chaos To turn back the tide Of death and hate That seeks to overwhelm us. But sometimes we fall Down the pit of despair Into the abyss We have created With our tears And pain. Trapped Still trying to claw Our way twords the light But tired and heartsick Of the fight We close our eyes And We embrace the night.

Alone Alone I wake, A half remembered dream, Playing about the corners of my mind. My fears bloom, Overwhelming my faith and hope, There is no respite. In desperation I reach for you, To pull you close to me, And find nothing there. I try to retreat inside, To capture a dream of you, But find only Emptiness. Sleep eludes me now, For I have remembered, Alone I wake.