Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around during the holidays!
Hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel
that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion any conversation of substance or necessity take
place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear
from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest I
eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball sandwich and
some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after!
a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I
think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery
may be in order, but the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable! My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions
are taken (water, vitamin
B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down
on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal
and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no
later than Thursday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and
hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Oily Linoleum
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
