Broken Alice's blog: "A walking study"

…today I crawled out of bed I can’t stand my shadow is to heavy o lift… look how low I’ve sunk don’t ask me to rise I’ll lose you when I’m high… On Sunday I was at a friends house and on my way to the car my heel got stuck and I hit the floor my right knee is (only) bruised but the left one still looks really awful and started to bleed again last night. Well somehow it’s funny to have girls knees again… speaking of old times since I hate when people forget here’s a little warning: next month on the 26ths is my birthday. No I am not asking for presents but for nice messages I wouldn’t forget it if I were you I can be veeery bitchy about that. PS: Did you notice how many stupid people are here on cherryTap?

It won’t take that long anyway... well at least I hope so. So the whole recording stuff didn’t work because the other girl was sick and I know this damn text almost by heart now. Next week. A strange day and I still feel this vacuum around that I can only fill with empty things for everything else would be far too heavy. The words “I want to go home” are haunting my mind yet I don’t know where home is everything feels... it feels like... warped in cotton wool. The first time I was in an asylum (I was fifteen) and the door closed behind me and I could hear the lock turn I was scared. The first time I came home for the weekend and I heard the door close without the lock turning I was even more scared... it felt like being at the mercy of someone I couldn’t trust: me. And walking outside through those streets that didn’t knew me anymore or knew what has happened I felt like nothing could really touch me like I didn’t made it back in the right space-time continuum and was now delayed for seconds so every attempt to get in touch with me had to fail. Baby you are just too sensitive Are you numb enough? Can we ever feel this Impending void? Have we become what we intended To avoid? Have you ever smiled for too long? Till you're aching Have you ever laughed till you cried? Till your heart is breaking. Have you ever smiled for too long? Till you're aching Have you ever laughed till your heart is breaking. Moloko Quite a mess…yes…

Is it the city? I don’t know I guess no, not really. But what is it? I am lying in the dark usually Morpheus takes me here any day or night time but I can not even force him and my thoughts wander around to those I barely think of and I’m searching for reasons to exculpate why I keep away from them… but who am I exculpating to? Me? I wish it would be as easy as she said since she was right: There is no community mixed as random as a family… …but like she said: the blood is thicker I see my mother in my face but only when I travel I run as fast as I can run but jack comes tumbling after… and when I'm brave enough and find a clever way to kick him out and I'm so high not even you and all your love could bring me down I guess that’s it, I wish they would hate me it would be so much easier then. I can not stand their love know that I know of it.

I feel tired all those memories in my hands and again I can not stop crying and all this out of the stupid wish someone would notice. I guess I need to get rid of some things I promised it myself didn’t I? And it’s getting empty anyway and for the first time since years I am not looking forward to the both events. I should give it back and get my mind together there are no excuses anymore it is all in my hands. Is that the reason why I wake up so late just to turn around and flee again?

I'm a woman who wishes to be a girl again. I love films, they mean everything to me. I would die without music. I adore Japan and love to eating sushi. I'm a liar. I'm more truth than people can take. I'm the last flapper I'm on diet. Punk Cabaret is Freedom. I hate the sun but I love the desert. I wish it would rain again. I'm a complete witch. I never leave the house without a hat. I love to wear gloves. I prefer being slapped with real anger than being hugged with false sympathy. Sometimes I hate me. I'm a blowjob queen. I don't like being touched. I'm intolerant. I don't care. I love cats. My boss called me spooky. I don't mind being depressive. I tried to kill myself once or twice. I try to regret nothing. I love stockings. Louise Brooks is for me a goddess. Dorothy Parker is my favourite writer. I don't drink but I smoke too much. I never lose control but I wish I could. I want to be loved. Coldness excites me. I wish my skin was pale and white. My lips are always red. I'm a great cook. I am an egoist. I am Broken Alice.