I had a long conversation with a friend the other night about some study about chick flicks being detrimental to marriages. Apparently there are people out there that have a hard time separating fantasy from reality and expect their relationships will turn out with “happily ever after”. Now we all know that happy endings are only stories that haven’t finished yet but I have to wonder if there are really still people out there that believe they’ll find the one their looking for and be “complete”. Since a lot of really good “chick flicks” end in tragedy, I would think that most sensible women would be grateful for what they have after watching. I like watching movies that end in tragedy, it reminds me of the pain and keeps me from being stupid and believing in something that’s bound to end in tragedy. I’ve forgotten the pain and how it felt. But when I watch a tragic love story, it brings those feelings back … even if it’s for just one moment … and brings me back to reality and back to my senses. A heart can only break so many times before it can never be put back together again.
During this same conversation, we discussed love (as stupid as it is) and the “perfect love”. Do you believe there is a perfect love? Would you know your perfect love if you found it? Do you think that you should have to work at love? I think everyone has a love in their heart that’s perfect for them. I’m not talking about a “soul mate” and I don’t believe there is one perfect person out there for everyone. I’m talking about a feeling. A feeling so strong and pure that it may be the most natural feeling you’ve ever had. Everyone’s feelings are different so what defines their perfect love is different from the others. For me … it was the second we met. The feelings were so strong and so familiar that it scared the shit out of me. It was like I knew him even though we’d only just met and he knew me better than anyone ever had before or since. Even though I am a complete person all by myself, I felt like a part of me had been missing all along and I never knew it until I met him. I never had to “work” at loving him. It was as natural to me as breathing. My love for him was just as intense, just as passionate, just as powerful on the day we got divorced as it was the day I met him …
Time is priceless, yet it costs us nothing. You can do anything you want with it, but you can't own it. You can spend it, but you can't keep it. And once you've lost it, there's no getting it back. It's just ... gone.
I was recently dumped. Not really a big deal, I hadn’t invested a lot of feelings into the relationship or anything. Thing is, this guy basically told me that I'm too intense, too passionate (as if that's a problem in this day & age). He actually said "Your passion doesn't let you see past the moment that you're in. At each beginning, I'm guessing that you would think that "this" might be the one ... You throw your entire worth and being into the relationship". I know what you're thinking "Did this guy even know you?" ... I have to say no.
If you know me ... you know that my passion is with me in everything I do in life. I "throw my entire worth and being" into my entire life. It's what got me through losing so much over the years. It's what brought me to Washington. It's what pushes me to succeed despite every obstacle I've come up against.
Someone once told me that I have the ability to make a person feel like they're the only person in the world. What makes that such a bad thing? Why shouldn't everyone feel that special at least once in their lives? Just because you are important to me in the moment(s) that we share together doesn't mean that I'm planning a wedding or that I suddenly have this delusion of happily ever after (by the way, I dont believe in "happily ever after" .. happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet) ... it means, in all it's simplicity, that you're special and you should feel special, if only for the short time that I can do that for you.
I suddenly want to change. I want to treat men like shit because that's what it seems to take to make them want to hang around long enough to get to know the real me. Not the me that they want me to be. Not the me that watches sports because he does. Not the me who eats red meat because he does. Not the me who doesn’t spend enough time with my kids because it seems he wants me around. But the me who loves the Dave Matthews Band .. the me who loves to dance in front of the fireplace .. the me who loves to spend time on the computer learning new things ... the me who loves to sing at the top of my lungs when I thinks no one is listening .. the me who is so complacent and placid that “whatever you want to do” really does mean “whatever you want to do” … the me who dies a little when someone important leaves my life. The me who feels that everyone in my life is important enough ...
But ... dont fret, dear friend ... Even though I let the people of my past change me in more ways than I care to admit … that is one thing I will not let them change. You are more important to me than that. You are enough for me ... always <3