1. Collect all the laundry in the house. Do not just throw in your stinky gym clothes. Towels and sheets like to be washed once in a while. See that nasty washrag in the kitchen sink? Throw it in the garbage.
2. Sort the laundry into small piles. Whites and Darks and Towels should be washed seperately. Would you like to wear a pink tie dye shirt to work? Do not stuff the washer with clothes unless you want to buy me a new washing machine. 16 pairs of jeans in one load is too many. Also, 10 towels in with everything else is too much.
3. There is a measuring device. Use it. One cup of detergent is enough. Do not, I repeat do not touch the bleach bottle. It is off limits to you. Likewise with the other dangerous chemicals.
4. Just use the button that says Warm. Hot will make my clothes too small and you will hear me say I am fat every time I put my jeans on. Do you really want to hear me say I am fat, again? Also, I will have to go shopping if you shrink my clothes. You will have to come and hold my purse for 7 hours. I will probably say I am fat at least 22 times.
5. Don't forget to shut the lid on the washing machine.The cycle will not finish if the lid is not closed, and I will complain. Plus, one of our children will climb in. Do you want someone to drown?
6. When the washing machine starts scooting around by itself, you have packed it too full. If it starts shaking from side to side and smacking the wall, you are an idiot. If you pack the washer too tight, clothes will not get clean and later, they will not get dry. Did I mention you are an idiot?
7. Washing the clothes is only a part of what I call "Doing the Laundry." Clothes have to be dried as well. And later, they will need to be folded and yes, put away. It is time consuming. There is no laundry fairy. Why do you think I complain about it?
8. Put clothes into the dryer immediately after the washing machine stops moving. If you wait until the game is over or until tomorrow, I will complain. Also, there won't be any sheets for the bed tonight. Have you smelled the inside of a washing machine after clothes have gotten moldy in there? Not good.
9. 50 minutes should be long enough to dry a load, unless you are an idiot (see #6). 60 minutes for towels. I do not like burn marks on my white shirts. You do not want burn marks on your fancy golf shorts.
10. Clothes like to be folded while they are hot. If they get cold, they will get wrinkled from sitting in the bottom of the dryer, then you will have to iron them or take them to the cleaners. I do not iron. It is your choice.
11. The hamper is not our dresser. A dresser is for clean clothes. A hamper is for dirty clothes.We do not wear clothes from a hamper, even if they look clean. When the hamper overflows, do a load.
12. If you "do the laundry," you do not get a medal. You do not get a chest to pin it on. You get clean clothes. I won't complain. We all win.
