My head is jumbled with thoughts, much like the space beneath my stairs, where I throw stuff I think I might need in the future. It's dusty and full of random junk, inhabited by spiders and smelling faintly musty. Thoughts of all the things I want to do, should be doing, could be doing... My life, so many anxieties and concerns, but so much great hope... But here I sit lodged between my favorite rock and hard place, waiting for the other shoe to fall. I always loved the notion of waiting for the other shoe to fall... it's such a simple, brilliant image... There is that anticipation that follows a noise... you want to hear it again to be able to analyze it, to decide whether or not it's a threat, to start the process of working out what to do next... Ever woken in the middle of the night? With that heart pounding, something just happened, what was it feeling? You know that there is a reason why you are awake, and at the back of your subconcious you know what the reason is... Unfortunately at the front of the mind, you really don't know what it was... so, you find yourself, sitting up, adrenalin pumping and anxious, but lacking any idea of why... I've been waiting for that other shoe to clatter to the floor... But it's been almost 6 years... and there's yet to be a sound... I guess I'm just a difficult person... I can only imagine that I'm a difficult friend to have... I'm not nasty, or malodorous, at least as far as I know... But I do maintain a certain distance, In fact
I specialize in the art of the distance. It's a little bit of smart mouth, a touch of disappearance and a smidgen of not responding to calls / texts. It's trying never to put your foot in your mouth in the company of women, it's watching how much you reveal about your personal life and it's about careful misdirection of conversations, usually through humour. The question is whether this distancing is relationship related, or has it been a lifelong thing? My mom used to say that I made friends easily, I suspect every mother says / wishes that. But, it's true. I get on well with most people, I guess I have a certain Irish charm. The problem is, I retreat then, I step back and I drift away. I do it to friends, I most definitely do it in relationships. I don't really know why. Sometimes, I just prefer to be by myself, living in my head, having quiet and space. Maybe, because I spend a lot of my day listening to morons and sidestepping egos. But I don't think that's the real reason. I'm happiest in my own head.
Odd, but true. So, all my life I've drifted off, leaving in the dead of night, metaphorically, slipping loose from the moorings and setting off across a new horizon. I have made and lost friends, started and never finished relationships, had more bad first dates then I could count... I'm not much of a talker, I'm more of a deep thinker. But some people are relentless. The small, but ferocious band of friends I have amaze me. They just will not let go. They persist beyond all reasonable effort, to the point where I eventually ask myself, "what exactly am I resisting?" That is the mystery, I like these people, damn it, I love some of them, I am amazed at their persistence, curious as to what they see in me that is worth pursuing... Some, prod me, poke me and drive me to do things I like doing. Like going to school. Some, push me, challenge me and try to break me out of my gloomy rut. Some, I've left behind and wish I hadn't. It bothers me, in my secret heart, I wonder if I'm missing something, am I wired wrong? Why, when I have the social skills, do I prefer to hide, to duck and skulk? I mean why in God's name do they persist? All I can say is, Thanks!