October 17, 2006, 03:26:am
Its been a bit longer then I normally have been going in between postings so figured I better write something.
I'm in a down slope on my emotions the last couple weeks. Real bad. I'm struggling to keep from berating myself for failing to quit smoking and am gaining weight badly. I have to guess no less then a 10 pound gain since beginning of Sept *sighs.
I must yet again point out the fact that not all my entries are going to be upbeat, funny and thoughtful. Are you always that way? Didn't think so. So don't think so of me.
I do actually feel a little bad (ok so maybe more then a little) for not writing more often this last couple weeks but I don't want this to turn into a "pity me" journal. I don't want or need any pity, but worry people might do so.
I'm eating more when I'm struggling to not want a cigarette. Its also hard when there is only 1 non smoker in a house of 6 people, 5 smokers.
Sue implimented the rule that only her hubby is allowed to smoke in the house and so far for the most part, everyone has been doing good (this weekend however that rule was thrown out the window, I suffered my first ever assault situation, which had the entire house and the many guests in an uproar and my nerves shot for the last couple days. Everyone just turned their heads when I lite up in house when normally they would all love the chance to rib me because of how I ride them lol) but we're working on getting back into the habit of having to go outside. I admit, *grins sheepishly, I do sneak the occasional puffs (talking around this past weekend, I'm back to mostly going outside) inside when its bitter cold. I allow myself about 3 to 5 drags then I put it out.
A good thing though is I am getting pretty good at only smoking a partial cigarette and have been getting a cig to last up to 3 lightings. So in general I'm still working on it. I just can't seem to get over this last little hurdle. Its soooo frustrating. I have to be off the cigs 2 months before I can even go to the surgeon and that time is nearly out if I want the surgery the beginning of January.
And of course because I havn't suceeded at quiting, I'm feeling down about myself because I feel like I'm failing yet again. Like I always do. That kills me. I feel like now I will never get the surgery because I have not quit smoking yet.
Because I don't actually want to quit. Yet another thing in my life that someone is trying to control. I'm over welmed by too much happening again.
*sighs. My time to quit cigs is short, my will power weak, my emotions in an upheaval and my body won't stop aching. And what I went through this weekend just added weight to the weighed down feeling.
What the hell am I gonna do if this surgery doesn't go through because I can't quit this infernal smoking? I refuse to lie to the Doctors. *sighs time for me to stop here. I'm too upset with myself right now.
More to be written later (hopefully it will be funnies infused)
