When mortars land near your compound and you roll over in bed and think "still way off, I got another 5 minutes"
When you start humming with the Arabic song playing on the radio on the shuttle bus
Every woman that reports to your unit starts looking attractive
Every guy that reports to your unit starts looking attractive
You actually volunteer for convoy security duty because you still haven't seen the country yet
You start picturing your wife in traditional Arab dress
The contractors have more fire power than the military combat units. (This is true)
You've spent $200 dollars at Haji-mart on DVDs buying Basic Instinct, 9 ½ weeks, and Body of Evidence just for the sex scenes
You drink the water from the tap because you want to drop 20 pounds in two weeks
Driving around in SUVs with weapons pointed out the windows and forcing cars off the road seems very normal to you
When you actually get excited to get a package that contains 3 pair of socks, 12 bars of soap and a Victoria Secret Catalog
When you start to enjoy the rocking of the trailer every time the MEDEVAC choppers fly over
You see celebratory fire going over the compound at night and think, "wow the colors are so pretty" and want to fire back
Your idea of sex is 20 minutes of Instant Messaging with your wife on the computer, OK, 10 minutes, who are you kidding?
You wake up and think Baghdad, I am still in friggin Baghdad
You make the new guy show you his count down timer just to make you feel better about your time you have left in country
You're in the Navy and you realize you are in the middle of the desert, the exact opposite of being in the middle of the ocean, where one might normally find the Navy.
You only notice the stench of Haji funk when its not there
You plan on removing all trees and grass in your yard when you get home so it will look more natural
The temp drops down to 102 degrees and you shiver while reaching for your Gortex jacket
When you call home and your kids ask "Who is this?"
You call home and your wife says hello Bill (your name is Sam)
When you go on R&R, you duct tape your child to the roof of your car, hand him a pellet rifle, and assign him a sector of fire for the ride to "The Olive Garden."
When you can comfortably shave and brush your teeth using bottled water, but don't mind showering in the "non-potable" local water.
When some of the contractors wear their DCUs (Desert pattern camouflage uniform) more properly than some of your soldiers.
When 12 hours is a short work day
When, During the BUA, "DIV asked MNSTC-I for the FRAGO that MNC-I was supposed to publish, but couldn't because MNF-I hadn't weighed in, since they were too inundated with MOD and MOI war-gaming the JCCs within the ISF to square us away!" is a valid comment and generates no questions.
When the palace catches fire and instead of helping to put it out you grab a bag of marshmallows and start roasting
When you step into any office and there are 6 colonels, 12 lieutenant colonels, 15 majors, and 8 captains supervising the work of 1 sergeant
When you end every phone conversation with "Out"
When the weapon buyback program has become so successful that you have issued the same AK-47 to the Iraqi army 3 times
When you can actually tell the difference between the sound of an exploding car and an exploding mortar
You see an indirect fire attack take out an air conditioner and your vigor to fight is renewed
You yell at the FNG for shouting incoming when the rounds don't impact close enough to hit your tent with dirt
You never worry about oversleeping because if the morning call to prayers doesn't wake you, the daily 0430 mortar attack will (most mornings)
When you send out your laundry and your whites become grayer, your blacks become grayer and your DCU's become grayer - makes it easier to sort loads...
You get offended by people wearing clean, pressed DCU's
You decide that it is a better course of action to pull your blankets over your head than put on your body armor during a mortar attack - the woobee will save you and at least you are comfortable
You make a contest out of seeing who can wear their uniform for more days in a row before becoming entirely disgusted with themselves
You find it completely acceptable to pick your nose while talking to a complete stranger or member of the opposite sex
A rocket or a mortar really isn't a big deal until the crater it leaves is big enough to trip over in the dark on the way to the latrine
You go to a social gathering and intermittent gun fire or explosions don't even cause a pause in the conversation
My thoughts go out every day to the brave soldiers who are over there in that hell hole, risking their lives every day.
