Sassy Irish Pixie's blog: "Wondering"

I just got home from a support group, and it left me wondering.  How many rape victims of childhood rape are made to feel as though they are the ones to blame?  Not just by the people who commit the crime, but by law enforcement and others that are supposed to be protecting them.  I hated being made to feel it was my fault.  Even my mom would try to blame me, yet she was the one that sold me for sex.  I was four, what did I know?  I can't imagine going to the authorities and being made out to be the one to blame so many women in my group were.  I was always too afraid to speak out.  Ashamed.  Made to feel like that by my own mother.  My mom profitted from it though.   She's the one that  refused to take ownership.  Why is it then that I'm the one that still suffers?  Why do I have the night terrors?  I'm finally accepting that it isn't and never was my fault that this happened to me.  I just wish I knew how to open up about it and talk to those who mattered to me.  Instead I push them away.  Afraid to let them in.  Afraid of getting hurt if I do.  And afraid of losing them at the same time.  I'm sorry that I can't talk about these things the way I can with people I don't know.  I'm just scared of the memories and the dreams that come with them.