Dear Husband;
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good, I have been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for all that time. These last two weeks have been HELL. Just to top it off your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw, last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, I cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes and went straight into the shower and bed after watching the game on TV. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, and whatever the case is after now, I’m gone.
P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER & I are moving to West Virginia together! Have a great life without me! Now this is funny!
Dear Ex Wife;
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging.
TOO BAD THAT DIDN’T WORK!
I did notice when you cut off all your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my brother, because I stopped eating Pork seven years ago, if you didn’t remember.
I went to sleep when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for Ten Million Dollars, I quit my job and brought us two 1ST class Tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happened for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. Oh! Just for the record my Attorney said that, with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I DON’T KNOW IF I EVER TOLD YOU THIS BUT CARL, MY BROTHER WAS BORN CARLA. I hope that’s not a problem with you or for you.
Signed:
Your Rich as Hell and Free.
