Reasons I'm here doing this & NOT gettin some !
#1) I was breast fed by my father, Mom only liked me as a friend.
#2) If it wasn't for "pick-pockets " , I wouldnt have any sex life at all !
#3 ) I allways get " boooed " by peeping Toms' .
#4) Even hookers tell me " Not on the 1st date " !
#5) I went to a discount massage parlour & it was " self-serve " ,..
#6) My dog even hates me, his favorite bone is in my arm !
#7) I knew my ex was cheating on me when my parrot started saying, " Go out the window, he's home " !!
#8) Even when I was a kid , I was so FUGLY, I had to " trick or Treat" over the phone !
#9) I worked in a pet shop when I was a kid, people kept asking , How big I'd get "
#10 ) I had really bad acne as a kid, 1 time I fell asleep in a Library & a blind man was reading my face !
#11) Now I only smoke after sex,...which explains why I've had the same pack since 1983,....
#12) Found a hooker 1 night, I dropped my pants & she dropped her price & started pointing & laughing !
#13) I was so fugly as a kid, my parents kept the picture that came with the frame.
#14) I knew my parents hated me when they found out I wet the bed,...they bought me an electric blanket.
#15 ) I was feeling depressed & called " Suicide Prevention " , well, 1st they put me on hold & then called me a **** & tried to talk me into it !
#16 ) 1 time at the beach , I started drowning & the Lifeguard ran over & told me to " keep it down " !
#17) My ex allways wanted to have sex in the back of my van, but she wanted me to drive !!! W T F ??
#18 ) I tried a new version of Russian Roulette, we passed around 6 girls & 1 of em had an STD !
#19 ) I Jumped in a cab 1 night & told him , " take me somewhere , where I can get some action " ,.........he took me to my ex'es house !
#20 ) It's a real bummer when standing at the urinal & I see my ex'es phone number for a good time,.....
