I have been reflecting on the past year recently, and more so on the last couple of weeks. What have I learned? What will I do differently this year? Who am I? Where am I headed? What do I hope to accomplish? How can I better myself? What will I bring to the table? How can I use what I've learned to teach and mentor others?
What have I learned?
Over the last year and especially in recent weeks, I have learned that no one, including my friends and co-workers, wants to own up to or take responsibility for their words or actions. And they do this or don't do this rather, in the name of integrity, innocence, and self-importance. Ugh! This makes me nauseous. When they are called on it, they pass the buck and it seems it is always someone else's fault. Too easy to place the blame elsewhere. But, the issues are still there eating away at you. They never really go away. Their job is to haunt you until you deal with them and they will. Recently, a good friend of mine made a choice. A poor choice at best, and it cost this person a lot. After all was said and done, this person made a conscious choice to lay the blame on another party. The funny thing is, when this person told me what they had done, they explained that they made the choice in the name of integrity. However now, they are not willing to accept responsibility for what they have done or the choices that they have made. I see why part of that is...it's because they didn't really think that what they had done would cost them so much. In the end, this person decided that "everybody else does this all the time and they get away with it, so since I'm going down, I'll hang the whole lot with my bloody wrath." Welcome to MARTYR SYNDROME! The ecclectic warped version. Dying for a cause is one thing. Slitting one's own throat, throwing oneself to the wolves and then blaming those left behind for your own self-inflicted demise is just evil and wrong.
Next we have the friend that almost always falls into the same category as above but with a little twist...SUDDEN VOLUNTARY MEMORY LOSS accompanied by DELUSIONS OF INNOCENCE. This is the "friend" who will listen to your problems, pretend to have solutions, feign sympathy and concern just long enough gain your trust, knowing they would never in a million years pro-actively take their own advice. Then the minute you've let your guard down, the very second you turn your back, in goes the dagger! You didn't see it coming. You're choking on your own blood. That's the way they planned it. You're shocked, right? You don't understand how they can be so loving, concerned, sympathetic and trustworthy one moment and then stab you in the back in the next. Newsflash! Real friends are not plentiful and many. How many times have you experienced this sort of thing in your lifetime? I'll be the first one to admit that I have fallen for this crap one too many times. It's like Groundhog Day, we all have many lessons to learn throughout our lifetime. Unfortunately some lessons are set to automatic rewind until we finally learn what we are intended to learn. Just this month alone, I have experienced BOTH of the above situations. The latter, way too many times with the same "friend". This is the part where I am supposed to say, "Betray me once, shame on you. Betray me twice, shame on me. Betray me a third time, I deserve it, for giving you WAY too many chances that you DIDN'T deserve." This "friend" pretended to love me and accept me for who I am, then would turn around and do things to mess with my head. This person would post pictures on their IM screen, sexual cartoons, for example, leave them up for a brief time and then when approached about it, claim they knew nothing of it, while the picture was still there on their IM, thus provoking an argument which would eventually lead to my not chatting with them anymore. This has happened on several occasions. I have always forgiven them and as soon as they think they've gotten back into my good graces again, it's like they can't handle it, they have to pull something else. Every time they claim they have done nothing wrong. Every time they claim that they've always had my best interest at heart. Every time they tell me that I went crazy on them. Every time they tell me that I have changed and not for the better. Every time they tell me that they have done everything they've done FOR me and because they "LOVE" me. Yah, right. I don't need that kind of love, trust me. I'll go without, thanks. This last time, this last situation, the straw that broke the camel's back, went like this:
You all read my previous blogs I am sure, the one's about little Reachelle Smith who has been missing from Minot, ND since May 2006. I mentioned in my posts about Reachelle's description, her nickname etc. While having an IM conversation with the above mentioned person, I had asked them if they had read my latest blogposts. This person replied, "You mean about the little girl?" I said yes and this person indicated that yes they had read the poem/song that I had written for Reachelle. However they claimed at the time that they had no knowledge of me writing that poem/song myself, that they thought it was just something I had posted on my blog. I mentioned to this person that it said right there in the post that I had written the song for Reachelle. This is where the Sudden Voluntary Memory Loss kicked in. This person wanted to argue, said they only read the poem and didn't see anywhere that it was written by me. WHATEVER! I was starting to get irritated as I often do when this person starts these games that I have no interest in playing. I really didn't feel like arguing with this person, it is pointless. So the next thing they type into the IM is this: "Hmmmmm...why am I thinking peanuts?" I was apalled. I couldn't believe he was doing this AGAIN! Especially considering Reachelle Smith is a real little girl, who is really missing and disappeared without a trace 8 months ago under suspicious circumstances. This person was playing mind games with me over a very sensitive circumstance that is weighing very heavy on my heart. To me that is just sick! So I told them that I didn't think that was funny. Their response was "What? What did I do now? I haven't done anything wrong. All I said is 'why was i thinking peanuts' cos it was at the back of my mind." This person continued to badger me about what they did wrong and told me over and over that they've never done anything wrong to me and that they love me and have only done good things for me and that unless I could come up with what they did wrong they had no intention of apologizing to me. Yada, Yada, Yada...I've heard it all before. Funny how every time something goes wrong, nobody ever does anything wrong and somebody always "loves" you? Ew! Again, I'll pass. Rather than play high school games, I made a decision to end all communication with this person. I decided I had had enough, I was done. I removed them from all my lists, again, my choice.
Then the emails started rolling in with subject lines such as "i cant beleive you did that" and "thanks for the laugh jeannie". The taunting, the mind games, the accusations, the anger and the DELUSIONS OF INNOCENCE. This person even went so far as to try to bring another online good friend into the situation. Tried to turn me against them by making supposed statements that the other person 'supposedly' said I told him. Funny, how that happened...as I haven't spoken to the other person in quite some time. I pretty much keep to myself these days. Oh well...time for another decision, so I made one.
OH INNOCENT ONE:
I HAVE NOT ONLY REMOVED YOU FROM ALL OF MY LISTS,
I HAVE REMOVED MYSELF FROM YOURS AS WELL.
I HAVE BLOCKED YOUR EMAIL, SO DON'T EVEN BOTHER.
I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK IN LIFE, YOU'RE GOING TO NEED IT.
QUE SER A, SER A.
SIGNED,
THE CRAZY ONE YOU CLAIMED TO LOVE
Damned De ja vu! LOL!
There's always a brand new day! ^_~
