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It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. “Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.” “Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun. “Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.” “Did he now?” said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, “And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.” “Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more evenly. “At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.” “That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time, and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her. The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband returning home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. Her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, Geez.... Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in....

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks." She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it." They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL." She says, "Thank you." He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?" She says, "Go ahead." He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?" She says, "Of course." He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."

Poor crock.... never understimate the c*ck

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory." MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great opportunities!

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said,"Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her & continued playing golf. Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." Lady : You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13. Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went upto her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking & talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales." He replied, "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" Lady : It's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. Lady : I sell WHISPER He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Lady : You promised you wouldn't laugh. He replied, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper and I'm still one hole behind you.............

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,crates, and suitcases. On the second day she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table. candle light,put on some soft background music and feasted on a lb of shrimp,a jar of caviar,and a bottle of chardonnay. when she had finished,she went into each and every room and deposited a few half eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She cleaned up the kitchen and left..... When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the house began to smell..... They tried everything,cleaning,mopping,and airing the place out. vents were checked for dead rodents and the carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,during which they had to move out for a few days. Nothing worked.... People stopped coming over to visit.... Repair men refused to work in the house.... The maid quit.... Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.... A month later,even though they cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out,and eventually the local realitors refused to take their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The x wife called her x husband, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house... She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back Knowing his wife had no idea how bad the smell was,he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed,and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paper work. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smilimg as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.............................

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his 'thingie' ... So, he decided to do something about it.... He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his 'thingie,' which he left sticking out. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the 'thingie' sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice" she remarked... The other lady asked what she meant. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 50, I asked for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now, I am 80 and they are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to even squat !!!