fred's blog: "What's Up Dude"

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....'' ''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in. ''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.'' ''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. ''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.'' ''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.'' ''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'' ''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith. ''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.'' ''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.'' ''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. ''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. ''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith. ''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.'' ''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, in amazement. ''Yes,'' the photographer said. ''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ''You mean they actually chewed on your, uh......equipment ?'' ''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.'' ''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. ''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Oh No! she's fainted!''

Just keep on drinking, until the image changes.....

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. At night the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off. Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. "I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to lay you or Jack off." "Oh, Jack-off" Mary says, "I've got a headache."

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table. Lit the candles, put on some soft background music and feasted on a lb of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay. when she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She cleaned up the kitchen and left When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the house began to smell....... They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. vents were checked for dead rodents and the carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,during which they had to move out for a few days. Nothing worked...... People stopped coming over to visit. Repair men refused to work in the house... The maid quit... Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.. A month later, even though they cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually the local realitors refused to take their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife [the blonde] called her x husband, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house... She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back !!! Knowing his wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day..... The blonde agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paper work. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smilimg as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods. Moral of the story... Be extremly careful with blondes.... !!

Superman was feelin horney one day and need a scr*w desperately..... He couldn't find anyone, so he checked out for some advise with his friend Batman, who had solid connections.... He recommended, Wonder Woman... whom he felt was the best in the business.... Supes rushed to meet Wonder Woman....only to find her lying starkers in the field... He rushed down did his thing.... and flew off satisfied What he didn't know was that.. Wonder Woman was having a go with the Invisible man..... When they were through ... Supergirl asked the Inviz Man...how it was.... he said he couldn't ask for better.... but, But what ?? He just couldn't explain the pain in his back !

Finally, what's the difference between a blonde and a cock [rooster] ? The rooster goes "cock-a-doodle-doo" The blonde goes "any cock will do" [she meant the rooster, of course]

A young man goes to a whorehouse to expierence his first taste of sex. The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try. The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man to eat her. Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts. The man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again. A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues. Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I can take another 66 of those!"

No more swimmin in the sea !!!!

A bakery owner hires a young sexy blonde who liked to wear very short sexy skirts and thong panties, not to mention braless tops that showed of her big boobs. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the sexy girl and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the sexy girl and the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the hottie, "I'd like some raisin bread, please." She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view of the thongs and the tits, just as he surmised she would. When the blonde comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the sexy woman retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the sexy blonde seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young sexy woman climb up and down. After many trips, the blonde is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet. Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."