What you always wanted to know about astrology...
but were afraid to ask...
ARIES
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you
don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care
less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding.
TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well
with most people because you are bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear
and you constantly smell of piss.
GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're
a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who'd
kill themselves to win a bet.
CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money.
You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a
mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.
LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try
anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and
will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on welfare.
VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're
prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually
queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.
LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and don't bear grudges. This makes you an
asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of
you. Nobody will go to your funeral.
SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your
only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You
always have snot on your clothes.
SAGITTARIUS
You are the romantic type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are
likely to import Dutch Pornography and sex toys. You thrive on incest.
CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean
self-centered cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is an altar boy.
AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal
system. This means you are an absolute pervert, and at the least a
transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet
tights.
PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no
grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be
the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a complete
dickhead.
