Wonder if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe. Asking for a friend.

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.

Lucky for you, mirrors can't laugh out loud.

Yeah, you’re made of star stuff, but so is garbage, so calm down.

’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

An empty browser history says more than a full one.

If we get invaded by space aliens, I’m immediately defecting to the alien side, sorry.

A satisfied life is better than a successful life. Because our success is measured by others, our satisfaction is measured by our own hearts, minds, and souls.

A mistake that makes you humble is better than an achievement that makes you arrogant.

We often clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the façade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the façade of having a clean house.

You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.

Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.

After 40 years, I’ve perfected acting interested in reading a birthday card after the money falls out. (Also fu and me share a birthday. Neat.)

They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.

Don’t let anyone ruin your day. Be a man, ruin it yourself.

Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still stupid.

If you’re not happy single, try dating apps. You’ll still be single, but you’ll appreciate it a lot more.

You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.

It might be called social media, but all I do is share photos and ignore people.

You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way of being cool. This is called the Geezer’s Paradox.