Nothing brightens up a room like your absence.

You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

If your lady wants something with diamonds in it, get her a deck of cards. Follow me for more relationship advice.

The trash gets picked up tomorrow, be ready.

Cats have 32 muscles in each ear to help them ignore you.

There’s someone for everyone, and the person for you is a psychiatrist.

“You’re a lucky man” is a nice way of telling a guy you would bang his woman.

When someone says, stop living in the past, I say, but the music was so much better then.

I’d like to thank my middle finger, for all those times sticking up for me when I needed it the most.

Cats are my favorite animal, because no matter where you fall on the food chain, a cat will smack the crap out of you.

I’m tired of working on myself. From now on, I’m going to be unapologetically insane.

Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.

There is only one way to avoid criticism: Say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.

Using your turn signal is not “giving information to the enemy.”

I’m like an avocado, I’m only pleasant for a short period of time and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.

Wonder if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe. Asking for a friend.

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.

Lucky for you, mirrors can't laugh out loud.

Yeah, you’re made of star stuff, but so is garbage, so calm down.

’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?