When I was little we didn't have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.

Vacation Photos 1995: "That's where we watched a breathtaking sunset over the Grand Canyon." Vacation Photos Now: "That's where we caught Pikachu."

I'm known all over the world for my exaggerations.

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it's Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they're either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

Brexit could be followed by Grexit, Departugal, Italeave, Czechout, Oustria, Finish, Slovakout, Latervia, Byegium. Only Remania will stay. Too soon? ;-)

A lot of people do not realize thats the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.

In a hotel with thin walls and heard a girl in the next room say "It's better without protection". She must've fired her body guard or something...

I will never be too old to enjoy driving by a stranger, honking, and waving just to see the confused look on their face and awkward wave back.

The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

I wonder what our parents did for fun before the internet.. I asked my 16 brothers and sisters, but none of them know .. weird !

What is on my mind now you ask....? beaches and bikinis...

If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they're transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

Feels like Ryan Gosling & I have a lot in common: We're both men, we both have kids. He owns a restaurant in Beverly Hills, I go to Arby's.

If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, DO NOT google 'old man bond age'!

Good morning peeps, I hope the fourth was with you all yesterday. And while you celebrate Cinco De Mayo with whatever food and drink you imbibe in, be sure to put a roll of toilet paper in the refrigerator because you might just experience "Revenge of the Fifth!"

With all the controversy surrounding public restrooms, I am now identifying myself as 'waiting til I get home'

Rest areas restroom are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.

I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart :-)