lots of things go thru my mind. which i mainly keep bottled up inside.
and i do talk to a few people and let them in on some things.
trust to me is something earned. but also if i think i can trust you.
i trust you with all my might. and things that have happened to me in the past.
well if i start getting weird feelings can make me kinda paranoid, that the trust
i have given so easily, might bite me in the ass. theres a many reasons why i
feel or get this feeling. and i feel the need to let some of them out.
lets see i lost both my parents by the time i was 16. many horrible things happened leading up to those events. but i will elaborate on those another day.
after my father passed, i was told to live with my half sister who was 20 years
older than me. which was hard. she was shelterd and naive. and i was independent and street smart. ended up she wanted me gone, and things went really sour with me and her. well when she got custody of me, she made her children and i move into our fathers and mines condo. which was a 1 bedroom condo. she had 4 children.
well when i moved out of my own place.. she stayed with her kids. she ended up leaving before my apt lease was up where i had to live at and as well took all my social security money to fix a leaky pipe. that trust there gone. someone that i
thought i could trust totally took advantage of me for her own gain.
she ended up somehow able to buy a new car and place. coincidence.. i think not.
anyways.. i have had my fair share of boy trouble.
i tend to be pretty choosey on who i date or talk to.
i wasnt the girl with many boyfriends. i barely gave anyone the time of day.
i finally let one in. he ended up getting bad on druggs. and i thought i loved him.
so i stayed hoping hed change. but i was always fooled. in and out of jail.
selling dope in my condo, having parties. leading to other felony events he did as well. i finally let him go, after i lost the condo my dad left me. he stole things
from me, blamed it on his friends. took money, jewelry, etc.. when it came to be the times i needed him to be there for me, for whatever reason, the drugs always took 1st place. i was forgotten bout and never appreciated. so i finally let him go and everything and moved on. which took me years to trust someone again to get that close to me.
this is when i found yahoo chat. made new friends and still have a best friend i met from there i still talk to. well, i started talking to this guy. thought it was too good to be true. we talked for almost 1 yr. we really had something between us. i thought there was something real between us. so i went to meet him. everything was great. so later that year we planned on me moving out to where he lived. that would be 6 months later. so 1 month before its time for me to move out. he asks for some money from me, saying he could turn it into more. and it would help with me moving out there. so me being the trusting person i am. sent it. after a week or two goes by. i cant get ahold of him, and he disappears on me. totally crushed and feeling like a complete fool an idiot. trying to get ahold of him, not knowing if he was alive, in jail, or anything. i finally give up after a month and figure i was just played the fool. unsure and totally not understanding.
with the embarrassment of the trust i gave and then made a fool of. I decided im going to still move. so i moved to tampa florida. a year later after moving. the guy i thought i was going to start a new life with calls me. says he was in jail and then blames everything on me.
so from there on, i told myself no more internet crazyness.
i move on, live in florida 6 yrs and been burned 3 times by guys.
1 long term relationship for 3 yrs, guy breaks up with me and then gets married 6 months later. which the break up totally abrupt. he live 3 hrs from me. we saw eachother every weekend. everything was awesome. he comes to visit for valentines. he goes home. we talk to next week and its we are over. and it was my fault for being so far away. which i would try to find jobs and he always told me dont move out here for me. yet the distance got to him and im to be blamed for it.
the next guy, shows alot of interest, we hang out, we talk, and then just liek usual, stops calling, and seems to disappear.. when we finally talk again, its i thought U wasnt into me anymore. like usual its my fault i did something wrong.
on to the next guy which was recently.
so talking flirting and etc for almsot a year. things are great we hang out alot. do thigns together, go to movies. i get along with his friends and vice versa. he takes me to meet other friends he introduces me around as his girl. we have crazy talks that are semi serious. and then next thing. the calls and the hanging out seem to seise and happen less and less. so i write him an email. telling him my feelings and laying it out all on the line. and i never get a response from it. i end up only running into him at the bar. so i confront him and its who said we were together. as usual im totally confused and we talk a lil. he says he wants to take things slow. i agree thats fine. as if we were barely talking and hanging out as it is. this becomes so less thats its like we arent talking what so ever. however if he sees me at the bar hes all over me hanging on me near me etc. so then we end up talking again..at the bar .. like usual since its the only place we run into eachother. and i get told this time. i thought we were only friends with benefits.
foolish me, to think there was more. and its all my fault like im dilusional to be thinking there was more going on, as if it was all in my head. this was hard for me to get over. hes someone i really started liking alot and actually thought it would go somewhere. but as usual, i was fooled.
im always that girl that i guess isnt enough. never right. it just always seems guys just want me for one thing. i feel like im not good enough. that i will always be alone. that i wont ever find that someone..
so for me to trust someone is hard ive been burned alot.
and for me to trust someone to be with, in my life. is even harder.
yet the person i am, i am in love with love. so i cant ever give up on that.
and i will let people in and be totally blind at times. and at times totally coherent to what is going on, but unwilling to believe it and hope that its not true. and i always seem to get hurt.
i feel like i will never be appreciated and always be taken for the fool.
im usually extremely intuative about things and my gut usually is right.
but sometimes my emotions run so high, everything gets confusing and im totally off.
thus causing paranoia in me and extreme crazy thoughts run thru my head.
and i get worried, that again i will be disappointed like usual. and it will be my fault in some shape form or fashion.
at times i feel like a complete idiot and foolish. crazy even.
i just want to be totally happy. and with that i will do anything i can to be
totally happy. and that seems to always, in the past, take me for a ride that leads no where but heartache. but i wont give up on something i want and think i deserve.
so i may overreact, or exaggerate, and be totally insane for certain thoughts.
just know, its whats ive been thru, the disappointment.
i think its me, my fault, something i did wrong. on those days, i just need some reassurance than normal on those days. to prove me wrong on my crazy thoughts.
so here i am on fubar.
i got here on a whim by a friend i played yahoo poker with.
and it became more as the days went on. been burned by someone on here already.
but got over that, because it was all kinda of expected.
then by some chance i found someone. without trying. not sure how it happened
but it just did. which im totally happy.
and they always say dont jump in feet first.
but thats who i am. feet first full trust. open arms, entire heart in it.
so i went and met this guy. and things are great.
going to be moving in with him, within the next few months
to somewhere totally new to me. no friends, all alone, except for him.
Im totally scared and unsure and yet totally excited and couldnt be more sure.
all at the same time. and because of all the emotions and feelings runnig thru me
my anxiety and paranoia over certain things intensify.
so the littlest things can get me really sad and depressed and have me overreacting.
i care alot for him. hes the reason i have a good day.
he makes me smile just be hearing his voice.
i dont want this to backfire
because right now, he makes me happy
...update ... dec 17th....
well things arent what they seemed..but at least it didnt go too far..
we are just going to be friends..
yes there was hurt feelings , sadness..
and maybe im a lil pissed off ..
but i will move on.. and eventually put it past me..
who knows what the world has in store for me..
but i guess DC wasnt it..
dont worry im fine :)
All My love
