"mmmmhmmmm." I murmer into the phone.
"so we have been adding rooms and building a garage...we've been so busy."
"Wow. You have." I leaned my back against the trampoline in my backyard and raised my eyes to the sky. I smiled at the stars and relished the breath of air that cooled me..inside to out. "you seem so happy. I am happy for you."
"Thank you...I am. So...keep in touch okay? I love you."
I paused at those words. They should mean everything before you utter them.
"I love you too.." I mumble. My eyes prickle. Which makes me mad.
"Okay. goodbye."
"Goodbye mom."
As my phone slides shut I stare at it, in my palm and shake my head.
I am dissapointed by so many it seems.
Almost every day my children ask me about their grandmom. They want to walk barefoot to the lake and pick wildberries that tangle along the roads.
They want to pet kittens and ride horses.
It breaks my heart to tell them "I don't know when baby."
Or when they ask "Why doesnt Uncle Bobby talk to you anymore mom."
I shake my head and find myself stuttering...in time I always answer..truthfully. "Because he does not agree with mommies decisions. But I am glad you get to see him still at your daddies."
I want to tell them that I wish they would never ask me about my mother or my brother. I want to tell them that it breaks my heart and it makes me doubt myself.
But I never do...or would.
It is cool out this evening. I sip my coffee and watch the steam tendrils rise and disapate.
I light a cigarette sit on my steps.
"Hello Laurie." I turn my head and see Maria.
"Hello Maria."
"You okay?"
I nodd and force a smile. "Of course."
"You sure?"
Maria works on my yard. She is much more then that. So much more. She has helped me out entirely more then she can imagine around here.
I sigh. "Did you see anyone here today Maria?"
"Yes matter of fact I did. I saw your brother, an older lady and a man."
I nod my head.
She looks at me, but not for too long.
"I heard your family...you know...I wouldnt assume...But I have heard.."
"Yeah. They are having a harder time with my divorce then I am it seems."
"Thats not right. Uh uh. Not right at all."
Maria stands at least 5'11"
Her face is marked with age, hard work and many years of picking at it.
Her hair is always up in a ponytail. She wears shorts year round and muscle tanks. With no sleeves.
She's a pot smoker and every once and awhile dabbles in the hard stuff again.
I wont see her for a few days, and when I finally do..she won't meet my eyes.
When she does. I smile into hers and tell her I missed seeing her around my place.
She is amazing. And I tell her that she is ...often.
"You...girrrl! workin hard and bustin ass at school..You keep your kids with you...You are doing mighty fine..Damn fine."
I smile at her and thank her. And I mean it.
