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THANKS TO ALL ON THIS SPECIAL DAY OF MINE!! EVERYONE HAS PUT A TEAR IN MY EYE A SMILE ON MY FACE AND SWELLED MY HEART!! LOVE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU!! WOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO JOHN

HEY EVERYONE!!! I AM REALLY MISSING EVERYONE!!! I HAVE BEEN LOCKED UP ON FIRST SHIFT!! LMAO. I HAVE WORK 2 OR 3 FOR WELL OVER 20 YEARS AND NOW I'M ON 1ST DUE TO BUSINESS REQUIREMENTS. I'M TRYING TO ADJUST TO THESE HOURS... AS SOON AS I CAN I WILL GET SOME COMMENTS OUT... I LOVE YOU ALL SO DON'T GO AN DELETE ME THEN I WILL REALLY BE LOCKED UP 'CAUSE I'LL COME AND FIND YOU!!... PLEASE PASS THIS ON FROM ME!!! HUGS AND KISSES PUT THOSE WHERE YOU NEED THEM THE MOST!! WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO SMOOOCH!! JOHN & SHADOW

HEY EVERYONE!!! I AM REALLY MISSING EVERYONE!!! I HAVE BEEN LOCKED UP ON FIRST SHIFT!! LMAO. I HAVE WORK 2 OR 3 FOR WELL OVER 20 YEARS AND NOW I'M ON 1ST DUE TO BUSINESS REQUIREMENTS. I'M TRYING TO ADJUST TO THESE HOURS... AS SOON AS I CAN I WILL GET SOME COMMENTS OUT... I LOVE YOU ALL SO DON'T GO AN DELETE ME THEN I WILL REALLY BE LOCKED UP 'CAUSE I'LL COME AND FIND YOU!!... PLEASE PASS THIS ON FROM ME!!! HUGS AND KISSES PUT THOSE WHERE YOU NEED THEM THE MOST!! WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO SMOOOCH!! JOHN & SHADOW

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>> Story About Getting Even >> >> One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a >> sorry >> sight Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted >> down. >> We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to th e >> vet. >> We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat." >> >> The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know >> when we could come and get her. >> >> My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she >> stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the >> dirty cat, not him. >> My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband >> 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to >> hate >> each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting >> in >> the last word on this particular occasion. >> The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is >> located >> in the same building, next door to the vet. >> The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the >> doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen >> my >> husband arrive. >> He looked straight at m y husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's >> pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she >> smells >> like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only >> knows >> who the father is!" Then he closed the door. >> Now THAT, my friends, is getting even! >>

> There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. > > After six children, this started to get expensive and the > congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. > > Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd,"Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." > > And the congregation said, "Amen."

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!" LOUD SEX A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!" QUIET SEX Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" CONFOUNDED SEX A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, She'd rather remodel the kitchen." WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'" WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. ELDERLY SEX One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment Killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly." Be Good Today!!!

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing. ************************************************** A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." ************************************************** Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. ************************************************** A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." ************************************************** Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay." ************************************************** A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." ************************************************** Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.