DEAR DAD, IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M
WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND
BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU.
I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS
SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER
TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES.
BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION, DAD - SHE'S PREGNANT
AND BARBARA ASSURES ME THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY.
EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER SINCE SHE IS SO
MUCH OLDER THAN I AM, SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN
THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD ENOUGH FOR THE
WHOLE WINTER.
SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND
THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO.
BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT
ANYONE AND WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND
TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND
ECSTASY WE NEED.
IN THE MEANTIME, WE PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE
FOR AIDS SO THAT BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE
DESERVES IT!!
DON'T WORRY, DAD, I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW
TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK
TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.
YOUR SON, JOHN
P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT BILLY'S
HOUSE. I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE
WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD WHICH IS IN
MY DESK CENTER DRAWER.
I LOVE YOU!
PS: CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME
