Akiba's blog: ""

If you need a laugh today, then > this should do it! > > Judas Asparagus > > > > A child was asked to write a book report on the > entire Bible. > This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. > I wonder how often we take for granted that children > understand what we are teaching??? > > Through the eyes of a child: > The Children's > Bible in a Nutshell > In > the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was > nothing but God, darkness, and some > gas. The Bible says, 'The > Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older > than that. > Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone > did. > Then God made the world. > He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, > but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors > hadn't been invented > yet. > Adam > and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were > driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not > sure what they were driven in though, because they > didn't have cars. > > Adam > and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as > he was Abel. > Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for > Methuselah, who lived to be > like a million or something. > One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good > guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. > Noah built a large boat > and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some > other people to join him, but they said they > would have to take a > rain check. > After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was > more famous than his brother, > Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark > in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named > Joseph who wore a really loud sports > coat. > Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was > Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel > Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil > Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on > Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, > lice, bowels, > and no cable. > > God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. > Then he gave them His > Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, > smoke, dance, or covet > your neighbor's stuff. > Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: > Humor thy father and thy mother. > One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first > Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought > the battle of Geritol and the > fence fell over on the town. > After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a > giant with a slingshot. He had a son > named Solomon who had about > 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was > wise, but that doesn't sound very > wise to me. > After Solomon there were a bunch of major league > prophets. One of these > was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed > up on the shore. > There were also some minor league prophets, > but I guess we don't have to worry about them. > After > the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the > star of The New. He was born in > Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a > barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close > the door! Were you born > in a barn?' It would be > nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.') > During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like > the Pharisees and the Democrats. > > Jesus > also had twelve opossums. > The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that > they named a terrible vegetable > after him. > Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even > preached to some Germans on the Mount. > But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial > before Pontius the > Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just > washed his hands > instead. > Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life > again. He went > up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the > Aluminum.. His return is foretold in > the book of Revolution.