Venus's blog: "This and That..."

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My
night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind
for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just
rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart
and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right
off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?

I mean, I'm not a Genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure
this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck
together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.

Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best
feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes
me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin
extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right Side of my
bikini line, covering the right half of my
*hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek
(Yes, it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip.

OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!

Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay
conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to
normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so
much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair.

The hair that should be on the strip.

I touch. I am touching wax.

WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped

up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot DOWN.

My LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
*Hoo-hoo*?

Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think
to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
right???

WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued Together is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
scalding hot water. This, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put
in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter -

"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but
she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where
the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with
a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in
hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....
the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to
lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color... Now that's funny!