Ive been thinking alot about everything thats been happening in my life lately. I never expected growing up that my life would end up like this. I wanna take a little bit of time to vent and see if I cant get a little advice at the same time.
For those of you who know me personally, you already know a little bit about whats been going on. But still even those closest to me have no idea how I feel about it. Im very good about keeping my feelings bottled up inside me until I explode. Most people think Im a hard-ass, which I still am, just not all the time like I make people think.
I grew up like most kids do. My parents got divorced when I was a young child. I think I was about 5 years old. Like most people who get divorced, my parents strongly disliked each other. In fact, I dont think they said more then 15 words to each other until my sister had her first child. Which was 16 years after they got divorced.
Dad got custody of my sister and I and we saw mom every other weekend. It was a normal custody agreement. I lived a good childhood. Dad taught me what the real world was like, but at the same time I never wanted for anything. Now my sister on the other hand.......She was different. She lived a fantasy life. She always had someone to take care of her. Until the past 2 1/2 years.
Anyways....I had started smoking pot when i was 16. I went through a reall bad period in my life. I was depressed. I mean the works...counseling, anti-depressant meds, everything. Smoking pot was my way to deal with everything. It helps me not to be depressed and soon I stopped taking my meds, and going to counseling. Everyone thought it was because I was happy, but it was really because I was high. By my senior year of high school, I was getting high before school, getting high after school, and getting high before and after work. I thought I hid it very well from everyone but the people I got high with. Then I graudated high school and it got worse. I was high all the time. I moved out of my dads house shortly after I turned 18 to go to college. Oh Boy! I knew the real world was tough, but dad never taught me about sex and drugs and freedom!
When I moved out of his house I was smoking pot 4 or 5 times a day. I was high all the time. But then I found harder and more dangerous drugs. I went to a party in January of 2004 and found the drug Crystal Meth. It ruined my life. It started out as a recreational thing. Weekends, Parties, days off from school and work. But eventually it took over my life. I was spending days a ta time getting high. I binged, partying for 3 or 4 days with no sleep, and then sleeping for 2 straight days. I realized after 6 weeks of hard-corte partying everyday that I couldnt do this anymore. I was 5 months from graduating for Culinary School when I got kicked out. I had got kicked out of school, my apartment, lost my job, and owed alot of people money thatI didnt have.
I sucked up my pride and called my dad. I begged to come home and after about 2 months of being sober and living with dad, he kicked me out. I was an adult and wasnt ready to follow his rules. I didnt wanna follow his rules anymore. So I moved to Salineville. For about 6 months I stayed at different peoples houses. Not knowing where I was sleeping that night or even where I was gonna shower. I was back into my old lifestyle right away. Hanging with the wrong people, doing drugs again. Only this time it wasnt Meth I was doing. It was whatever I could get my hands on to get me high. Whether it was cocaine or pills, perscription cough syrup.....whatever...I didnt care as long as I was high. I put shit up my nose that I didnt even know or care what it was. It got me high so I didnt care. Finally I met someone who helped me straighten my life out. Mikey will always be my gaurdian angel. I truely think he saved my life.
BUT! Now Im watching my sister, my straight as an arrow wouldnt even smoke a cigarette sister, spiral out of control. Shes into a drug that I NEVER messed with. As into drugs as I was I was scared to death of one drug. Heroin. It killed people. People killed themselves because of that drug. A friend of mine shot himself over Heroin. Trying to get clean and sober. He locked himself in his bedroom to detox and ended up shooting himself. Now im sitting back and watching my sister fall apart. Its killing me inside because shes on a downward spiral and theres nothing I can do to help her. Shes lied, cheated, and stole to get money to get her fix with. I have been there. Ive lived that lifestyle, and I just wanna protect her from it. I went through all my shit alone, in a different state, miles from any family. But my sister has kids she has to think about. The life of a junkie is no place for babies. Everyone had tried to get her to open up her eyes to whats been going on, but nothing helps. She lies to everyone about what shes doing, but you cant lie to someone whos been there before. I pulled all the games that shes pulling already. I know how they work.
Im afraid shes gonna have to hit rock bottom before she wakes up and sees what shes doing to herself, her family, amd especially my neice, whos with her at all times. Yea, shes around while my sister is doing drugs. Im most afraid that her rock bottom will be serious jail time or even death.
I think about what my neice is going through. Shes just a baby. She has no idea that mommy and daddy are going out and getting high all the time. Im to the point where I feel I need to cut my sister off from me altogether, but its hard. She was there for me when we were kids, and now I cant be there for her. I cant even get her to admit that shes doing drugs. Ive been doing alot of research lately about heroin, it's short-term effects, amd long-term effects. Im scared to death that one day im gonna get a phone call and theyre gonna tell me that my sister is dead from a overdose. If that evers happens I dont know what will happen to my family. I just dont know what to do anymore. If your still reading this then it must mean that I havent bored you too bad. To anyone who has any advice for me, Im begging you to share it with me. I hate this. I hate what this is doing to my family, to me, to my sister and most of all to my eice. I just wanna be able to help her. I just wanna get my sister back. Thanks for reading and understanding.
Much Love to All,
Jamie
